Wendy's

As our followers know, our mission is to get the Capstone fund at our school to pay us to eat hamburgers compile a review of all the hamburger joints in Central Ohio. Wendy’s was actually born in Columbus, OH, like us Burger Busters. This retro place downtown was the world’s first Wendy’s. My dad always told me that one day he would take me there.

Pictured: Childhood dreams.

But it was closed in 2007 before I ever got to go.

At least I'll have you, musical talking donut...

During lunch, Jack and I walked over to the Wendy’s on Kingsdale. Kevin had to take a quiz or something else not as important as educating you guys on how to be Burgerbusters yourself so he asked Jack to bring him back a Baconator.

"I'll be back, Kevin." Additionally, whoever photoshopped this didn't give a shit about doing a good job...unlike your burger correspondents...

Usually it is packed during lunch, but it was empty when we got there. It was like we had walked into the Twilight Zone, or maybe they knew important critics were coming and were refusing to service anybody less important than us, but I digress. I had planned on ordering the “Meat Cube,” which is not actually on the menu, but I had heard they were willing to make for those truly worthy of busting the burger (you get a 3/4 pounder and ask for an extra patty, but don’t tell them that I told you). Unfortunately, the 3/4 pounder was something like $7.00, and with an extra patty it would be something like $7.80, and I like to get extra-large everything, so that’s $8.60 or so, and that’s basically $9.00, and by that time you’re basically spending $10.00.

Instead, I ordered two double stacks and a large fries (Der Angriff! More on that in the Tilt Point section ... ) and last minute I asked for a crispy chicken sandwich. Again, Kevin got a Baconator and Jack got a combo meal with fries, a pop (just to annoy our Midwestern followers) and a #2 half pounder (two patties).

Given that Kevin’s “ten minute quiz” took more like half the period, my Chicken Contingency Plan incurred the jealously of Jack while we sat together in the cafeteria. We didn’t want to start the hamburgers without Kevin’s camera, but chicken-micken. Don’t get me wrong though, that sandwich was the shit! The patty was like ... twice the size of the freaking bun! For $1.00!!!

Okay, I can’t wait for the Tilt Points section. Recently, Wendy’s introduced their new fries with sea salt. The only problem is that there are a lot of problems.

Know your enemy (The fries, not Jack). Admittedly we got a lot more but we forgot to take a picture before we started eating.

Just look at the ends of those fries...posers (more on this at the end)

But the burgers ... the burgers ... in this writer’s opinion, the only part of a burger that can truly stand alone is the patty. It’s the single most important part of the burger. Most of Wendy’s advertising stresses the quality of Wendy’s meat (opinion: “You know when it’s real” in the Hell voice they use is the worst slogan ever). Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy’s, started the tradition of serving square patties.

Look at those great patties literally overflowing across the buns!

They're like legally edible versions of this meat sack. 

Why? Because they don’t want to cut corners with their meat! But in all honesty the square patty is definitely a benefit. All things considered, I feel that Wendy’s provides one of the best cost-quantity of meat ratios out there. Even the Double Stack, which is Wendy’s $1.00 slider option, has two well-sized, square patties, and Kevin’s Baconator had at least 12 and a half. So you definitely don’t have to be like Clara Peller here.

For our uncultured followers, "Where's the beef?" was a slogan used by Wendy's from 1984-1986. Get with it.

The meat was definitely fresher than McDonalds or Burger King, but it was still fast food. Relatively high quality and high quantity lead us to give Wendy’s a 4.5 out of 8 for the patty. Awesome!

Look at how much of that is meat!

This is why you're fat.

Not even kidding, that's two cows and a pig at least.

Patty: 4.5/8. Basically average. Major pluses: square shape, quantity, not becoming plastic mush in your mouth like the meat at other fast food restaurants. Major downsides: only high quality relative to other fast food restaurants.

One thing that I had nothing to complain about was the bun. In fact, Kevin didn’t have anything to complain about either. Jack did, but Jack tends to disagree about everything.

Pictured: a strong pair of buns.

The bun was nothing special, just two pieces of bun-shaped white bread, but they did their job well. To demonstrate, I even wiggled my hamburger around in the air. Eventually a pickle flew out but when the hell are you going to need to wiggle your hamburger around for more than a few seconds? There was enough bread to comfortably hold the burgers without getting your fingers sticky but not so much that the bread hid the taste of the more important stuff. But again, nothing special. So we decided to give Wendy’s a 2 out of 3 for the buns. Cool.

A pair of just as delicious, maybe less edible buns.

Bun: 2/3. Above average. Major pluses: excellent foundation, keeps the burgers together. Major downsides: being really boring.

As far as the toppings were concerned, there were definite advantages and disadvantages. For one thing, Wendy’s has apparently been in a perpetual tomato famine or something, because you have to tell them to give you tomatoes. Some of us thought that the pickles were great, but some of us (Jack) thought that they were just so-so. Admittedly, they had a tendency to be clumped in the center of the burgers and they all came out in one bite. My biggest complaint? There was waaay too much ketchup and mustard! It was overpowering! Maybe that’s why Wendy’s is having a tomato famine, because meeting their ketchup demands has destroyed America’s solid tomato reserves!!! Quick! Which nations produce tomatoes?

Never forget.

But the onions were great. They were thick and ringed, not diced. And the overall taste was great. The effect of the overpowering ingredients, such as the ketchup and mustard, was admittedly reduced by the amount of meat and the bread of the bun. According to Kevin, the bacon was great for a fast food place, but not nearly as good as the bacon at Graffiti Burger, which seems like it would make sense, but bear in mind that with the increasing cost of Wendy’s, the two burgers are actually very similarly priced. Overall, we gave Wendy’s a 2.5 out of 5 for toppings. Sweet!

Bacon

Beautiful when you're there, shitty when photographed! The miracle of birth! Also, distinct onion rings!

But what about the tilt points??? They could totally change the game for Wendy’s! We decided that Wendy’s was worthy of 2 tilt points! 1 for their amazing Frosties and 1 for their all natural, nutty and delicious new fries!

Wait a minute...

FUCK THAT SHIT!

This is the Jenqster taking over for Ryan to explain why the new Wendy's fries are not the shit that everybody's talking about. The manufacturing process is still largely the same and you can tell even by looking at it!  that YES, the fries DO have skin on and I'm pretty sure that the salt is different. But seriously...the difference is negligible, I swear! 

Q: "But the skin is on! It's like, practically Five Guys fries!!!! They left the skin on so it's the shit!"

A: They did leave the skin on. But that in mind it was already freaking there! It's not a "New ingredient" it's cutting out a time consuming part of the manufacturing stage being peeling those goddamn potatoes. Additionally, the frieas are still produced the same way. That is, not freshly fried at the location you're at. Wendy's and most fast food chains have their fries fried, baked, dried (you read correctly "Dried) and frozen before sending them off. That's why if you peak over the counter you'll see them dumping fries in grilled containers that are lowered into...nothing. No peanut oil or anything. That shit just gets heated up - it's already been friend a hundred miles away. 

Just like the good old days!

Q: "THEY USED SEA SALT! IT'S SOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER! IT'S TEH BOMB!!!"

A: Fair enough. Sea salt does have a different taste owing to the mineral content, however, this taste isn't what's accounting for the difference in the fries in a place like five guys and the stuff you shovel onto your plate at Home Town Buffet. To illustrate the point, go get some Or-Ida fries and bake that shit up. Then get your sea salt. Sprinkle it over the top. IT'S NOT THE SAME THING AS ACTUAL AWESOME FRESH FRIES! Sure, saffron is an expensive and tasty ingredient that is in high demand and really does make a difference - but if you sprinkle that shit onto your hot pocket I promise you it'll still taste pretty much the same. The residual nuttiness and texture of fries straight out of a the fryer is what makes fresh fries hard to imitate via skins and salt (sounds like a band.)

Q: You're an elitist bastard who is hiding the fact your taste buds suck.

A: Wrong.  

Conclusion

10 out of 21? Whoa! That’s a HOT, JUICY BURGER for the price, all things considered. Happy Burger Busting! We’re out!

What the hell?!?!?