Okay, let's be honest here, no one cares about McDonald's. Not even the burger busters do. In fact, they care so little, that two of the three busters who came to the event were half an hour late, leaving the last buster all to his lonesome in his car. Although this particular buster's car was more like an oven due to the 95 degree heat. Trust me, I was there.
My God is he good looking.
However, since they are the veritable generals of the fast food burger army, it's only reasonable that the burger busters brave the waves upon waves of typical McDonalds customers and face the meat.
Typical McDonalds customers.
But enough (well deserved and otherwise totally justified) griping (and admiration of beautiful, intelligent men). It's time to see what McDonald's has to offer.
Oh wow! That actually looks pretty good! Please look like that... Please taste as good as that looks...
I'm sorry, that's not even close.
Okay, well let's try to look for some nice similarities between those two burgers. Both of them have meat. They've got that going for them...
You know what, let's be honest. Saying that the burger we were served looks like the one on the wrapper is like saying that Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama look alike based on the fact that both of them have a penis. While it's not much of a surprise that real life burgers don't look exactly as they're advertised at a fast food joint, it was still a bit discouraging even before the first bite to notice such a stark difference in appearance.
And now it's time to get serious.
The Bun
The bun at McDonald's is kind of nice looking from the top, as it is dotted with sesame seeds and it also has a classic bread-flavored taste, but that's about where the positives end. And the jury's still out on the bread flavor. Our buns were lukewarm and fairly pasty, in that once you got to chewing it, it would turn back into the dough from whence it was baked. They also had an odd brownish color to their undersides, as if they were once toasted, but then became hollow shells of the buns they once were. Really, they were as floppy as any non-toasted bun we've tasted. All of these factors are reflected on said bun's measly score.
Score: 1/3
Just in case one set of buns wasn't enough, you get an extra one in the middle of any Big Mac. Woah!
The Toppings
The toppings at McDonald's are probably the best part of the burger, and almost all of the flavor on the burger results from them. The tomatoes in particular were quite good, and didn't have any of the unpleasant greenness that is often present in under ripe fast food fruit. The onions were also commendable, but the lettuce was verging on wilted and the sandwich was so slathered with ketchup, mayonnaise and mustard that I might as well have asked for extra ground beef on my condiment sandwich.
Score: 2.5/5
Nice tomato! That's about it...
The Patty
And here's the thick of it. The make-or-break section of the review. The patties of the Angus: Third-Pounders ordered by the Jenqster and I were fairly thick, but didn't offer much in the way of taste. The Deer Hunter's Big Mac patties were equally lacking in flavor, and overwhelmed by the sheer amount of bun present. The lack of seasoning was further accentuated by the rubbery texture of the meat. It was almost as if I could taste the heat lamps.
I think you can even see the heat lamps...
As we all know, any good burger can survive on superb meat and a few good toppings alone, should such a desperate situation arise. Unfortunately, our patties were not able to rise to the call of duty, which resulted in a decidedly mediocre sandwich.
Score: 3/8
So the burger score comes to a grand total of...
Bun: 1
Toppings: 2.5
Patty: 3 +
-----------6.5
Well, butter me and call me a muffin! That's pretty underwhelming for the world's largest hamburger chain--a chain that serves over 64 million people a day. You'd think they would find a way to get better burgers in their restaurants with the almost 24 billion dollars in revenue they made in 2010 alone. These are some seriously staggering numbers for a company that is despised by so many people--thanks to Morgan Spurlock.
Typical McD's exec: "Instead of better burgers, let's spend all our money on creating a snappy slogan for our lemonade!"
However, as much as it pains me to compliment a restaurant as mainstream and unhip as McDonald's, there is some good food to be had here. The ice cream cones, while mostly ice and not enough emphasis on the cream, are only 59 cents, which is a nice bargain, and the milkshakes are actually of decent quality. Furthermore, their breakfast menu is delectable, and will hopefully be fattening me up for the winter months very soon. I'd say that's worth a tilt point for any non-burger food McDonald's has to offer!
Adding in that solid tilt point, McDonald's earns an aggregate score of
7.5/16
If you're ever in the mood to kill some small businesses, or if you're ever on the road and your arteries are in the mood to be hardened, look no further! But if I were to set my bleeding heart liberal health nut persona aside and give this burger a purely objective rating, it would probably be as follows.
It's pretty shitty.
We are incredibly cool.
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