Saturday, February 26, 2011

Wendy's

As our followers know, our mission is to get the Capstone fund at our school to pay us to eat hamburgers compile a review of all the hamburger joints in Central Ohio. Wendy’s was actually born in Columbus, OH, like us Burger Busters. This retro place downtown was the world’s first Wendy’s. My dad always told me that one day he would take me there.
Pictured: Childhood dreams.
But it was closed in 2007 before I ever got to go.
At least I'll have you, musical talking donut...
During lunch, Jack and I walked over to the Wendy’s on Kingsdale. Kevin had to take a quiz or something else not as important as educating you guys on how to be Burgerbusters yourself so he asked Jack to bring him back a Baconator.

"I'll be back, Kevin." Additionally, whoever photoshopped this didn't give a shit about doing a good job...unlike your burger correspondents...


Usually it is packed during lunch, but it was empty when we got there. It was like we had walked into the Twilight Zone, or maybe they knew important critics were coming and were refusing to service anybody less important than us, but I digress. I had planned on ordering the “Meat Cube,” which is not actually on the menu, but I had heard they were willing to make for those truly worthy of busting the burger (you get a 3/4 pounder and ask for an extra patty, but don’t tell them that I told you). Unfortunately, the 3/4 pounder was something like $7.00, and with an extra patty it would be something like $7.80, and I like to get extra-large everything, so that’s $8.60 or so, and that’s basically $9.00, and by that time you’re basically spending $10.00.

Instead, I ordered two double stacks and a large fries (Der Angriff! More on that in the Tilt Point section ... ) and last minute I asked for a crispy chicken sandwich. Again, Kevin got a Baconator and Jack got a combo meal with fries, a pop (just to annoy our Midwestern followers) and a #2 half pounder (two patties).

Given that Kevin’s “ten minute quiz” took more like half the period, my Chicken Contingency Plan incurred the jealously of Jack while we sat together in the cafeteria. We didn’t want to start the hamburgers without Kevin’s camera, but chicken-micken. Don’t get me wrong though, that sandwich was the shit! The patty was like ... twice the size of the freaking bun! For $1.00!!!

Okay, I can’t wait for the Tilt Points section. Recently, Wendy’s introduced their new fries with sea salt. The only problem is that there are a lot of problems.

Know your enemy (The fries, not Jack). Admittedly we got a lot more but we forgot to take a picture before we started eating.

Just look at the ends of those fries...posers (more on this at the end)
But the burgers ... the burgers ... in this writer’s opinion, the only part of a burger that can truly stand alone is the patty. It’s the single most important part of the burger. Most of Wendy’s advertising stresses the quality of Wendy’s meat (opinion: “You know when it’s real” in the Hell voice they use is the worst slogan ever). Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy’s, started the tradition of serving square patties.
Look at those great patties literally overflowing across the buns!
They're like legally edible versions of this meat sack. 

Why? Because they don’t want to cut corners with their meat! But in all honesty the square patty is definitely a benefit. All things considered, I feel that Wendy’s provides one of the best cost-quantity of meat ratios out there. Even the Double Stack, which is Wendy’s $1.00 slider option, has two well-sized, square patties, and Kevin’s Baconator had at least 12 and a half. So you definitely don’t have to be like Clara Peller here.

For our uncultured followers, "Where's the beef?" was a slogan used by Wendy's from 1984-1986. Get with it.


The meat was definitely fresher than McDonalds or Burger King, but it was still fast food. Relatively high quality and high quantity lead us to give Wendy’s a 4.5 out of 8 for the patty. Awesome!


Look at how much of that is meat!
This is why you're fat.
Not even kidding, that's two cows and a pig at least.
Patty: 4.5/8. Basically average. Major pluses: square shape, quantity, not becoming plastic mush in your mouth like the meat at other fast food restaurants. Major downsides: only high quality relative to other fast food restaurants.

One thing that I had nothing to complain about was the bun. In fact, Kevin didn’t have anything to complain about either. Jack did, but Jack tends to disagree about everything.
Pictured: a strong pair of buns.
The bun was nothing special, just two pieces of bun-shaped white bread, but they did their job well. To demonstrate, I even wiggled my hamburger around in the air. Eventually a pickle flew out but when the hell are you going to need to wiggle your hamburger around for more than a few seconds? There was enough bread to comfortably hold the burgers without getting your fingers sticky but not so much that the bread hid the taste of the more important stuff. But again, nothing special. So we decided to give Wendy’s a 2 out of 3 for the buns. Cool.
A pair of just as delicious, maybe less edible buns.

Bun: 2/3. Above average. Major pluses: excellent foundation, keeps the burgers together. Major downsides: being really boring.

As far as the toppings were concerned, there were definite advantages and disadvantages. For one thing, Wendy’s has apparently been in a perpetual tomato famine or something, because you have to tell them to give you tomatoes. Some of us thought that the pickles were great, but some of us (Jack) thought that they were just so-so. Admittedly, they had a tendency to be clumped in the center of the burgers and they all came out in one bite. My biggest complaint? There was waaay too much ketchup and mustard! It was overpowering! Maybe that’s why Wendy’s is having a tomato famine, because meeting their ketchup demands has destroyed America’s solid tomato reserves!!! Quick! Which nations produce tomatoes?

Never forget.
But the onions were great. They were thick and ringed, not diced. And the overall taste was great. The effect of the overpowering ingredients, such as the ketchup and mustard, was admittedly reduced by the amount of meat and the bread of the bun. According to Kevin, the bacon was great for a fast food place, but not nearly as good as the bacon at Graffiti Burger, which seems like it would make sense, but bear in mind that with the increasing cost of Wendy’s, the two burgers are actually very similarly priced. Overall, we gave Wendy’s a 2.5 out of 5 for toppings. Sweet!

Bacon
Beautiful when you're there, shitty when photographed! The miracle of birth! Also, distinct onion rings!
But what about the tilt points??? They could totally change the game for Wendy’s! We decided that Wendy’s was worthy of 2 tilt points! 1 for their amazing Frosties and 1 for their all natural, nutty and delicious new fries!

Wait a minute...

FUCK THAT SHIT!

This is the Jenqster taking over for Ryan to explain why the new Wendy's fries are not the shit that everybody's talking about. The manufacturing process is still largely the same and you can tell even by looking at it!  that YES, the fries DO have skin on and I'm pretty sure that the salt is different. But seriously...the difference is negligible, I swear! 

Q: "But the skin is on! It's like, practically Five Guys fries!!!! They left the skin on so it's the shit!"
A: They did leave the skin on. But that in mind it was already freaking there! It's not a "New ingredient" it's cutting out a time consuming part of the manufacturing stage being peeling those goddamn potatoes. Additionally, the frieas are still produced the same way. That is, not freshly fried at the location you're at. Wendy's and most fast food chains have their fries fried, baked, dried (you read correctly "Dried) and frozen before sending them off. That's why if you peak over the counter you'll see them dumping fries in grilled containers that are lowered into...nothing. No peanut oil or anything. That shit just gets heated up - it's already been friend a hundred miles away. 

Just like the good old days!
Q: "THEY USED SEA SALT! IT'S SOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER! IT'S TEH BOMB!!!"
A: Fair enough. Sea salt does have a different taste owing to the mineral content, however, this taste isn't what's accounting for the difference in the fries in a place like five guys and the stuff you shovel onto your plate at Home Town Buffet. To illustrate the point, go get some Or-Ida fries and bake that shit up. Then get your sea salt. Sprinkle it over the top. IT'S NOT THE SAME THING AS ACTUAL AWESOME FRESH FRIES! Sure, saffron is an expensive and tasty ingredient that is in high demand and really does make a difference - but if you sprinkle that shit onto your hot pocket I promise you it'll still taste pretty much the same. The residual nuttiness and texture of fries straight out of a the fryer is what makes fresh fries hard to imitate via skins and salt (sounds like a band.)

Q: You're an elitist bastard who is hiding the fact your taste buds suck.
A: Wrong.  

Conclusion

10 out of 21? Whoa! That’s a HOT, JUICY BURGER for the price, all things considered. Happy Burger Busting! We’re out!

What the hell?!?!?







Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Graffiti Burger

The second review. Every credible source I have ever read indicates that in the field of journalism, the second review is always the most difficult--perhaps even the most critical. It’s right off the high of one’s first success, and at the same time, it’s one’s chance to really prove who they are as a writer! Of course, this is all assuming that Wikipedia is a credible source. And really by corollary that I’m a credible source, since I sort of created and wrote the article... Oh nevermind...


Sorry, Jimbo...

Point is, we went to Graffiti Burger of Grandview (1505 West 5th Avenue), and we had us some chow. As you walk in, it’s pretty evident that whoever built the place wanted it to be unlike any other burger joint out there. Graffiti covers the walls (OMG U MEAN LIEK, THE NAMEEE??), the counters, and even the metal trash cans. It was clearly drawn by local artists of the Buckeyes and the Bobcats, and in that respect, is unlike the copy/pasted “art” you’d see at a place like Chipotle or Noodles & Company, which is cool!



Legit! They owned it!

Granted, it did kind of feel like old people were trying to get in on the whole “hip and urban” scene, as evidenced by their choice of music. Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous by Good Charlotte serenaded us as we walked in, which was pretty hilarious. I mean, check these guys out. I mean, seriously. Being emo is so edgy.




However, grading a burger joint for atmosphere would be lame! It would be pusillanimous! It would not be worthy of the Gods! So, let’s get right down to the... *meat* of it.

There were five of us this time. This meant that we could order a greater variety of burgers, but at the same time, it accounted for the greater disparity among reviewers. Three of us ordered burgers: The Spicy One (I forget what it’s called--the name they gave it sucked), The Graffiti Burger (their signature dish!), and the Burger With A Bunch Of Random Ass Toppings On It (a burger with a bunch of random ass toppings on it.) Connor didn’t order since he’s a big baby, and Thomas decided to order a double cheeseburger with bacon, which is really just a ground beef sandwich at the price of the most expensive thing on the menu. Anyway, it’s time to get down to business.


Mmmm... Barbecue sauce on a burger...

The Bun
The bun was perhaps the most controversial part of the reviewing process. The bun of the burger looked very pretty, but just like many of the Ukrainian models I’ve been with, it was dry when you got down to business. It tasted fine (unlike said models), and was supposedly toasted (although mine wasn’t), and it seemed to suck the moisture out of your mouth instead of out of the burger and condiments. It also had a fancy-shmancy little toothpick in it that made sure you knew you were eating at Graffiti Burger, in case you forgot. (That’s what the picture and the caption below will depict) The toothpick did a good job of holding it all together. While you may get the impression that said bun really isn’t that great, apparently only mine sucked. Or something. I thought it was a 2.5, or perhaps even a 2 in retrospect, but the other men thought it was worthy of a 3, with Kevin in particular asking the arousing question, “How can this bun be improved?” While I was able to raise contentions, no one else could. Despite my calls, a exemplary score of three 3 was settled upon by the majority.

Score: 3/3


Yes, Graffiti Burger, I know I'm eating at your restaurant.
You've made it obvious enough already...

The Patty

The patty was also the subject of some argument among the reviewers. Graffiti Burger is one of those places where the “regular” sized burger is two patties, and the “junior” is one. I ordered a junior, thinking that one patty would certainly be enough, but it really wasn’t. The meager meat tasted just dandy when I got a good amount in my mouth, but that didn’t happen very often. I was set on giving it a 5, but the others who all got two patties assured me that it was worth at least a 6 or above. However, the fact that one patty really should be enough to at least taste on any good burger was a big factor, and we settled on a 5.5.

Score: 6


Just look at that delicious meat--xcvfbgcawef
Sorry, I had to wipe the drool off my keyboard there.

The Toppings
The toppings... Oh my, the toppings... This is where Graffiti Burger truly shined--where it has truly earned the favor of the Gods. To begin with, all of the toppings are free, save for bacon, which is excellent. The fact that you don’t need to pay extra for a different kind of cheese (or three types of cheese on the same burger), or sautéed onions and mushrooms, or even coleslaw is a big plus. The number of sauces available ranged from the standard mustard and ketchup to A-1 Steak Sauce to the signature Graffiti Sauce to a succulent chipotle mayonnaise. And while the bacon meant paying more money, it was thick and flavorful, and absolutely worth the extra cash. Graffiti Burger, we salute you. You have earned your score of 5 on toppings.


Thick, meaty, juicy, flavorful bacon.

Score: 5/5

In regards to the “other stuff we ordered” category, Drew decided to order a chocolate milkshake, which he said was excellent, but it was also three bucks for a fairly sparse amount. We’ll trust him on that one. Two of us also ordered the fries labeled small, which were about this big.


You could taste the potatoes!

Kevin ordered the fries labeled medium, which were about this big.



There are like ten whole potatoes in here

Holy shit! That’s huge! The difference in size was really remarkable for a dollar. If this blog strives to do anything particularly well, it’s almost certainly the educational aspect. Now that I’ve wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes and said my prayer of forgiveness for breaking that whole “thou shalt not lie” commandment, in all seriousness, you should get the medium fries when you go to Graffiti Burger. They’re large and pretty damn good. Granted, mine were lukewarm, and they’re much better at a higher temperature. You want yours to be as hot as this guy.


Herro! I so happy to be staying wiff host famiry in America!
I am the number one burger! ^-^

In regards to to other stuff that might go towards tilt, they gave you a complimentary pickle spear, which was rather nice to munch on in between bites. That’s worth about a .5 for tilt. Drew’s milkshake was worth .5, and the fact that the toppings were in great quantity and were AWESOME is worth a whole point. Also, the fries were good enough for a .5 point. Plus they had malt vinegar, which you don't normally see at your everyday burger joint! It was good enough to drink.


It feels so bad, but tastes so right.

Tilt Score: 2.5/5

Dude! That’s a total score of 16.5/21!

If you ever need a burger and you’re on Fifth Avenue and you just had Five Guys, then you just might want give Graffiti Burger a whirl. You need to order right (two patties, lots of interesting toppings and sauces), but if you do, it’ll definitely be worth it. Maybe if you do, you'll be cool as these guys. And Jack Nicklaus.


Friday, February 11, 2011

Steak N' Shake

So, since we established a system to grading ham/cheeseburgers, the next test was really to go in the field and apply our skills in the real world! To be sure, we have spent most of the week anticipating this first taste of burger! Thus, while the undulating crowds in Egypt were cheering after 30 years of military dictatorship, we were flipping a shit that it was finally Friday.
Pissed because Hardee's has shitty burgers.
We had initially wanted to go to Five Guys (Who doesn't?) but...this being our first review, we thought it'd make more sense to temper our enthusiasm. We ultimately decided on Steak N' Shake, a hybrid between a sit in restaurant and a fast food joint. Interestingly, this burger joint has a distinct theme as...a burger joint.


Herro! Dis is my first time coming to da great country of America!!!
I am honored to eat your capitalist pig food!

If you've never been there, it's really American, but not in the creepy Bob Evans way. There's also a toy machine just next to the entrance, a tricky little bastard that has probably siphoned off a total of $10.00 from ill-thought attempts to get a stuffed dog.


Of course, we're not here to talk about the decor. But enticing your diners with the knowledge of being in the Greatest Nation on earth, where an ounce of piss offers greater freedom than the entire press of perfidious dictatorships (I'll let you interpret that as you will) is a pretty damn good tactic. Hell, it worked on the pilgrims!


The Burger
The purported burger.


So, there being three of us at the time, we all ordered three different steak burgers: The Double n' Cheese, the Chipotle burger and the hefty Triple Steak Burger.


There is an uncanny resemblance here. 


 We also ordered some milkshakes for half off (If you go between 2-4, AM or PM, they have Happy Hour for milkshakes.) and all the burgers came with fries. At around $5.00 USD, the price isn't too bad, given that the "Double N' Cheese" is comparable to a Wendy's Quarter pounder. The service was good and friendly and the hamburger came out fairly promptly. Below pictured: the "Double n' Cheese."


Shit just got real!
The Bun
Now came the consumption and analysis of the burger. The bun, as pictured above was slightly deflated. Nothing like the picture provided. A good bun should have the supine curves of a voluptuous, healthy woman. This was more like a sad beach ball. On the plus side, the edges are lightly toasted so that it has some firmness to it. Additionally, the bun retained structural integrity throughout and did not become soggy, so while aesthetically it wasn't anything great, it accomplished its job admirably enough! 

Score: 2.5/3

The Patty
This was the subject of some contention. To start, there was general agreement that the quality of the meat at Steak N' Shake was superior if not unique with regards to other burgers. To be sure, it is quite tender! The texture is where a Steak N' Shake burger scores points! It's soft without being mealy and the edges, like the bun, have a slight crispiness to them. 

On the down side, they taste like meat. That is to say, there isn't any discernible seasoning on them, so while the Steak N' Shake burger wins out on texture...that's about the only place where it distinguishes itself. Additionally, its portions aren't anything to write home about. My rough estimate is that a single patty from a place like Five Guys is equivalent to two from Steak N' shake. So a "regular" at Five Guys is still bigger than the Triple Steak Burger. Honestly, a pretty big disappointment, but not a burger killer, so to speak. It is a resounding 'average' to 'mediocre.'
Figure 1. Insufficient meat content
Score: 4/8


The Toppings
The toppings are shitty. This is where Steak N' Shake could really do better. On first glance, it looks pretty appealing! The lettuce looks perky, the onions crisp and fresh and the cheese...well, it's there. The main issue is that it in spite of its fragile patties, the toppings don't have the heft to match up with the rest of the Burger. As is seen in the below center picture, they do give you a hefty amount of ketchup and mustard. The problem is that it overwhelms the few toppings that were there. So when eating the toppings, think texture, not taste, because it's just not there. To be sure, the quality isn't bad, but in terms of quantity, they could perhaps think to reinforce this crucial complimentary feature of a good burger.
Moreover, the bacon (picture on the far right in the Chipotle Burger) sorta sucks. It's not really crisp and is sort of flimsy. but hell, it's bacon, so it's still pretty damn good. 

Score: 1.5/5

Thus the "Burger Score" is totaled below:

Bun         2.5
Meat       4
Toppings 1.5 +
------------------
8

Steak N' Shake receives a burger score of:

 8/16

Not great, but not bad either! To be sure, Steak N' Shake is a pretty fun place! The fact that it's sort of more a restaurant than a fast food place (in spite of the intrinsic argument that is provided by a drive-through window) it's still decent. The price alone should be some incentive (Again, a meal can be bought for around $5.00 with pricer stuff nearing $7-8.00.  All that and the milkshakes are AMAZING in terms of both price and taste during happy hour. That said:

Tilt Score: 1

Steak N' Shake proved itself in the field of Burger battle with an aggregate score of: 

9/16 (21 if including potential tilt points)

If you ever are in the Mill Run area and are looking for something to eat, give Steak N' Shake a try! And if you're tottering about at 3:30 in the morning after a long night of partying, take advantage of their awesome milkshakes and half price deal! Party on!

He knows how to party.