Graffiti Burger

The second review. Every credible source I have ever read indicates that in the field of journalism, the second review is always the most difficult--perhaps even the most critical. It’s right off the high of one’s first success, and at the same time, it’s one’s chance to really prove who they are as a writer! Of course, this is all assuming that Wikipedia is a credible source. And really by corollary that I’m a credible source, since I sort of created and wrote the article... Oh nevermind...

Sorry, Jimbo...

Point is, we went to Graffiti Burger of Grandview (1505 West 5th Avenue), and we had us some chow. As you walk in, it’s pretty evident that whoever built the place wanted it to be unlike any other burger joint out there. Graffiti covers the walls (OMG U MEAN LIEK, THE NAMEEE??), the counters, and even the metal trash cans. It was clearly drawn by local artists of the Buckeyes and the Bobcats, and in that respect, is unlike the copy/pasted “art” you’d see at a place like Chipotle or Noodles & Company, which is cool!

Legit! They owned it!

Granted, it did kind of feel like old people were trying to get in on the whole “hip and urban” scene, as evidenced by their choice of music. Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous by Good Charlotte serenaded us as we walked in, which was pretty hilarious. I mean, check these guys out. I mean, seriously. Being emo is so edgy.




However, grading a burger joint for atmosphere would be lame! It would be pusillanimous! It would not be worthy of the Gods! So, let’s get right down to the... *meat* of it.

There were five of us this time. This meant that we could order a greater variety of burgers, but at the same time, it accounted for the greater disparity among reviewers. Three of us ordered burgers: The Spicy One (I forget what it’s called--the name they gave it sucked), The Graffiti Burger (their signature dish!), and the Burger With A Bunch Of Random Ass Toppings On It (a burger with a bunch of random ass toppings on it.) Connor didn’t order since he’s a big baby, and Thomas decided to order a double cheeseburger with bacon, which is really just a ground beef sandwich at the price of the most expensive thing on the menu. Anyway, it’s time to get down to business.

Mmmm... Barbecue sauce on a burger...

The Bun
The bun was perhaps the most controversial part of the reviewing process. The bun of the burger looked very pretty, but just like many of the Ukrainian models I’ve been with, it was dry when you got down to business. It tasted fine (unlike said models), and was supposedly toasted (although mine wasn’t), and it seemed to suck the moisture out of your mouth instead of out of the burger and condiments. It also had a fancy-shmancy little toothpick in it that made sure you knew you were eating at Graffiti Burger, in case you forgot. (That’s what the picture and the caption below will depict) The toothpick did a good job of holding it all together. While you may get the impression that said bun really isn’t that great, apparently only mine sucked. Or something. I thought it was a 2.5, or perhaps even a 2 in retrospect, but the other men thought it was worthy of a 3, with Kevin in particular asking the arousing question, “How can this bun be improved?” While I was able to raise contentions, no one else could. Despite my calls, a exemplary score of three 3 was settled upon by the majority.

Score: 3/3

Yes, Graffiti Burger, I know I'm eating at your restaurant.
You've made it obvious enough already...

The Patty
The patty was also the subject of some argument among the reviewers. Graffiti Burger is one of those places where the “regular” sized burger is two patties, and the “junior” is one. I ordered a junior, thinking that one patty would certainly be enough, but it really wasn’t. The meager meat tasted just dandy when I got a good amount in my mouth, but that didn’t happen very often. I was set on giving it a 5, but the others who all got two patties assured me that it was worth at least a 6 or above. However, the fact that one patty really should be enough to at least taste on any good burger was a big factor, and we settled on a 5.5.

Score: 6

Just look at that delicious meat--xcvfbgcawef
Sorry, I had to wipe the drool off my keyboard there.

The Toppings
The toppings... Oh my, the toppings... This is where Graffiti Burger truly shined--where it has truly earned the favor of the Gods. To begin with, all of the toppings are free, save for bacon, which is excellent. The fact that you don’t need to pay extra for a different kind of cheese (or three types of cheese on the same burger), or sautéed onions and mushrooms, or even coleslaw is a big plus. The number of sauces available ranged from the standard mustard and ketchup to A-1 Steak Sauce to the signature Graffiti Sauce to a succulent chipotle mayonnaise. And while the bacon meant paying more money, it was thick and flavorful, and absolutely worth the extra cash. Graffiti Burger, we salute you. You have earned your score of 5 on toppings.

Thick, meaty, juicy, flavorful bacon.

Score: 5/5

In regards to the “other stuff we ordered” category, Drew decided to order a chocolate milkshake, which he said was excellent, but it was also three bucks for a fairly sparse amount. We’ll trust him on that one. Two of us also ordered the fries labeled small, which were about this big.

You could taste the potatoes!

Kevin ordered the fries labeled medium, which were about this big.

There are like ten whole potatoes in here

Holy shit! That’s huge! The difference in size was really remarkable for a dollar. If this blog strives to do anything particularly well, it’s almost certainly the educational aspect. Now that I’ve wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes and said my prayer of forgiveness for breaking that whole “thou shalt not lie” commandment, in all seriousness, you should get the medium fries when you go to Graffiti Burger. They’re large and pretty damn good. Granted, mine were lukewarm, and they’re much better at a higher temperature. You want yours to be as hot as this guy.

Herro! I so happy to be staying wiff host famiry in America!
I am the number one burger! ^-^

In regards to to other stuff that might go towards tilt, they gave you a complimentary pickle spear, which was rather nice to munch on in between bites. That’s worth about a .5 for tilt. Drew’s milkshake was worth .5, and the fact that the toppings were in great quantity and were AWESOME is worth a whole point. Also, the fries were good enough for a .5 point. Plus they had malt vinegar, which you don't normally see at your everyday burger joint! It was good enough to drink.

It feels so bad, but tastes so right.

Tilt Score: 2.5/5

Dude! That’s a total score of 16.5/21!

If you ever need a burger and you’re on Fifth Avenue and you just had Five Guys, then you just might want give Graffiti Burger a whirl. You need to order right (two patties, lots of interesting toppings and sauces), but if you do, it’ll definitely be worth it. Maybe if you do, you'll be cool as these guys. And Jack Nicklaus.