Burgers Dogs and Fries

This is going to be somewhat of a short review. To be honest, there are really only so many ways to say that a burger joint sucks. In support of the word count, however, the latest venue that we attended sucked in so many ways.

To start the place, Burgers Dogs And Fries (3110 Kingsdale Ctr, Columbus) and I do not have a great history. My first visit was a sunny day in October - Burgers Dogs and Fries had just opened and had good reviews from seemingly everyone who went there. When I went it was mediocre at best. Convinced this was an anomalous incident on account of the continued recommendations, I went again with even worse results.

Stupidly, naively in fact, the Burgerbusters decided to tackle this burger joint again with the expectation of different results.

The Burgerbusters. c. March 2011

To start, the place's ambiance is nothing to write home about. It's green. The chairs are black. The menu is annoying as hell to navigate and the only people sitting there seemed to be creeps or douchebags. There was this one guy who looked like the CIA director from Bourne. That said, at least we were in like company.

Like company

Ultimately, we decided to eat the burgers back at the High School. With us on this particular trip was the most esteemed Perry Kleinhenz who got a cheeseburger. In line with the bacon tendencies exhibited at Graffiti Burger and Wendy's, I got their bacon cheeseburger combo.

Owing to the distinct lack of a camera and the restricted class schedule owing to it being a lunch period, we hurried back to the High School to eat - and conduct our review.

The Bun
The bun was a decidedly misleading affair. We started our evaluation in viewing the tried and true forms of the cheeseburger, or at least Burgers Dogs and Fries' take on it. At this stage the bun was adequate for its role. It held everything together in an acceptable fashion. The astounding success of the BDF bun, however, owed itself to the overall feebleness of the burger in question (more on this in toppings.) When faced with a heftier burger with more toppings, the BDF bun was overwhelmed and routed.

The above photo is the BDF bacon combo with a bite taken out of it. Yes, the toppings are shittacular, but what should also be evident is the bun. While it IS toasted, this really doesn't provide any vindication for this sorry bun. The texture is shitty. It's chewy on the edges as if it's been wedged in a humid car seat for a couple days then left to dry in your grandpa's moth-ball-ridden sock drawer. The toasting provides no texture and no taste. 


So in short, even though it carried out all the requisite steps to make an ostensibly good bun, in this case it's consistently bad.

"Rob Scheider stars in: The Burger!"

Score: 1.5/3

The Toppings

There are times when a person remembers exactly what they were thinking when they do something. Seeing Burgers Dogs and Fries elicited a resounding "SHIIIIIIIIIIT!" upon rearing its ugly head. There are so many issues here that it's hard to choose just where to start. For one, I should discuss the distinct lack of toppings on the cheeseburger:

As stated before, Perry Kleinhenz ordered a cheeseburger combo. He ordered the basic condiments. Upon inspection of the burger, we realized that there were no pickles in spite of his specifically asking that they give him pickles. This little mishap, however, could have been attributed to lack of sleep, poor education system or shitty genetic material. Fair enough. Still, just a second later we realized that there was no cheese.

On a cheeseburger.

It's akin to be shown to an empty lot and told it was Paris, just minus the buildings, the people, the vegetation and the history

So basically Jordan.

Unfortunately, when the toppings were there they still sucked. To be perfectly fair, there were decent parts. There was an impressive variety of toppings that were free! Plus, the tomatoes looked good. The onions...well, they were there. I guess basically the biggest thing going for Burgers Dogs and Fries' toppings was that they were there. Sadly, this was concurrently what made their burgers so bad.

This is either a hamburger or an afterbirth. You decide.

Burgers Dogs and Fries packs their burgers with toppings. And by toppings, I mean ketchup and mustard and shreds of...stuff. The feeble buns in combination with the copious amounts of bad toppings means your burger will separate mid stroke and that you'll have your burger shitting its offal all over the place. I was initially consoled by the fact that I ordered a bacon combo. Bacon, I reasoned is always good. Strangely, I had not encountered the bacon on my first probative bites. On closer inspection, I realize I had. I also realized their bacon was shitty.

Camp Bacon. Fuck this shit.

Don't bother ordering their bacon. It's basically meat foil. You won't taste it and it adds about a $1.00 to your order. There's no texture added to your meal and given the price, it's really not worth it. The toppings will drown it out. But then...the toppings aren't really worth getting either, so...hm. Just an all around bad situation.

Score: 1.5/5

The Patty
It might be because of the overwhelming tide of toppings, but the patty was the strong point on this burger. That said, it wasn't anything special. To start, it was DAMN thin.

See that shadow there between the pickles and the bun? Yeah, that's the patty.

Burgers Dogs and Fries peddles a Veggie burger which is curious to me because after several bites of this burger, I wasn't aware that I had eaten meat. Bummer. Still, when I separated a couple bites from the rest of the abomination, I was greeted by a mediocre patty. It doesn't have the charbroiled residue from the grill so there isn't any of the smoky carbon tinges of a higher end burger. There isn't any immediately discernible seasoning either. To  be sure, there were a couple weird hard parts, but they weren't anything that would surprise me from a place like Wendy's. So mediocre.

Score: 3/8

Thus the "Burger Score" is totaled below:

Bun 1.5
Meat 3
Toppings 1.5 +
------------------
6

Burgers Dogs and Fries receives a burger score of:

6/16

That's pretty damn underwhelming given that people told me this place was comparable to Graffiti Burger and Five Guys. Overall the meal was a bad experience with points getting docked on all fronts. There's a Wendy's literally in walking distance from this place. If you can make it, go there. Hell, I'll even point out Wendy's 'New Fries' if it'll dissuade you from going to Burgers Dogs and fries. I mean honestly, 'Dogs and Fries" isn't such a bad name. Maybe they should consider it.

Tilt Score: -1

They forgot the cheese on a cheeseburger. Are. You. Kidding me. (Declarative sentence, because, I mean seriously?!?!)

Burgers Dogs and Fries earns an aggregate score of:

5/16(21 if including potential tilt points)

I tried to keep this review short, but this place was by far one of the worst I've been to. I do know some people like this place, and they're free to comment below. Still, on my three trips to this burger joint it was bad. Just bad. This was my third time, but it's definitely my last time too. Not only because I hate their shitty burgers, but because of the petty logic that my money will be spent on places that make real ham/cheeseburgers. Not this weird stuff I just ate. No stretch of the imagination could make me want to go back to this burger joint.

 

"Hey, you know what I've been thinking?"
"What?"
"These burgers taste like ass."

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