Five Guys

Splendid isolation within this garden of the world.

Before I start, I would like to make note of a trend that has become apparent in our escapades over the last few weeks.


Throughout our time with the Burger Busters, the layout of the central Ohio burger landscape has fallen into place neatly. To start, there exist several layers to one's dining experience that take into account the cumulative knowledge of hearsay and self-aggrandized reviews written by obnoxious youths with too much time on their hands. In any case, the result of all this is a class system of Marxian proportions! The general breakdown is as follows:


Shitburger: This would be like White Castle. Bad stuff that has no illusion concerning its role. The burger of the proletariat and the staple of the common man even if tainted by the cost cutting factors of the capitalists.


Bourgeois Burger: Burger King, Wendy's, Macdonald's. The burger of the middle classes. A greater degree of care in each burger to sate the greed of the capitalist pig-dogs. Unlike shitburgers, make an attempt to espouse the quality of ingredients, all accrued via imperialism and oppression. Superficial, and locked in the socially fatal battle for profits. Still taste pretty good though.


Artisan Burgers: Five Guys, Graffiti Burger, Burgers Dogs & Fries (Supposedly on that last one.) Burgers catering to the decadence of the higher classes. Stamp out the common man through ostentatious toppings and fry their French Fries in the tears and blood of the young virgin daughters of the proletariat working in the factories of the greedy capitalists. 


Generally the better tasting burgers!

Her suffering lends the exquisite, nutty flavor of 
broken dreams and a broken home!

That said, it was time for the Burger Busters to tackle a burger belonging to the last of these three categories, the Artisan Burger! The previous experience with ostensible artisan burger joint Burgers Dogs and Fries had been disappointing to say the least. One of the main reasons for this disappointment were the comparisons to the next burger joint of discussion, being Five Guys (1004 West 5th Avenue, Columbus) 


To be fair, the Burger Busters have had some positive experience with Five Guys, the shittiness of Burgers Dogs and Fries not withstanding. Certainly, along with Graffiti Burger, it is a defining edifice in the landscape of commercial level artisan burgers in the Arlington-Grandview area, and an informal rivalry seems to exist between them. Graffiti Burger's conspicuous billboard in the heart of Five Guys turf certainly didn't help...

Pictured: A big F-You! To Five Guys.

Five Guys seems to have done fine nonetheless. It's worth noting that the Burger Busters have not gone to Five Guys in the capacity of reviewers and that for the most part, had not eaten there in months. Our initial plan had been to go to Thurman's but with DRD out of action, we settled on Five Guys. Thus, the review...

Walking into Five Guys, the first thing that hits you is the simple, uncluttered lines of the place. It's got simple red and white tiles and a concrete floor. It's not cozy, but it's certainly a distinct and clean atmosphere. The place only sells burgers, hot dogs, fries and grilled cheese and across the walls are newspaper clippings detailing the accolades piled on the chain. All the same, the menu is fairly extensive and offers a wide variety of items (and the toppings are FREE!) good stuff!

Notice they call a single a "Little Burger" So badass.

Moreover, they have peanuts to sate a client's hunger while they wait in line. And by peanuts, I mean in huge cardboard tubs full of Arachis hypogaea! And while I don't personally like peanuts, I definitely think it's a nice touch! Like a dinner date with the Jenqster, the charm offensive starts before you even get started!

The extent of Five Guys' vegetarian offerings.

 Of course, ANYONE can buy a sack of peanuts from the grocer and plop it in your restaurant front. As the ancient Hawaiians used to say: A box of peanuts - an excellent burger does not make. Thus, on to the Burger! TO THE GLORY!


For this trip, your reviewer bought a bacon cheeseburger with everything except mustard and mushrooms. Because Five Guys doesn't have a specific titles to topping combinations (i.e., DQ ultimate, baconator, big mac, etc.) this bacon cheeseburger will be the focus of this review. 

I listen to this song before two things:
Sex and eating at Five Guys.

The Bun
This is probably the weakest part of a Five Guys Burger. The main function of a bun is to provide a means by which to hold your meal together and give you a dry handhold. Five Guys literally skirts the edge of what's acceptable in this fashion:

Practically a pita bun. 

As seen above, it's about 3 cm or so of bun. Given the prodigious amount of toppings (detailed below) that Five Guys uses and the fact that your burger comes bundled in foil exacerbates this fact. If you open up your burger the moment you receive it, you should be golden and it will taste pretty good. The edges are toasted and there's a definite 'taste' to it, if that makes sense. Still, if you are not diligent in unwrapping your burger, you'll almost certainly have a sopping mess and your toppings and patty will come sliding out on your pants. 


That said, the Five Guys bun for all its pros ultimately has a bun that fails the requisite role, and must be docked accordingly.

Score: 1.5/3

The Toppings 

Attaining the title of artisan burger isn't something just any burger joint can do (look at Burgers Dogs & Fries, which does so only in purpose rather than function.) You have to EARN that shit! And while Five Guys dropped the ball on its bun, it totally redeems itself come toppings! This burger launches a balls to the wall assault on the definition of delicious. Crispy, sweet lettuce, succulent and plum tomatoes and cheese dribbling down the patty like manna from heaven!

This could feed the entire Republic of Congo - and bears
striking resemblance to that nation's flag!

To be sure, the bacon isn't quite the leviathan slabs of meat that Graffiti Burger offers but it's still crispy and delicious, and you'll definitely taste it! 

There is, without exaggeration, about a half inch
layer of bacon here.

Moreover, in terms of peppers, Five Guys pulls no punches. When you order something from Five Guys, you can be sure that you will taste it and it will be delicious! It might not have specialty sauces like at Graffiti burger, but for its offerings, Five Guys is superb!

A providential pepper manifests itself amidst a sea of meat.

Score: 4.5/5

The Patty
This is where Five Guys REALLY distinguishes itself. The patty might just be the most expensive part of a burger and it accordingly is the one subject to the most shortcuts. It's an unfortunate fact of the business because the patty is, for many, the best part of a burger! That said, Five Guys is a pleasant surprise!

Juicy, flavorful and tender - an exquisite feat. 

To start, the sheer quantity of meat provided is astounding! Five Guys emasculates its prospective customers by labeling their single burgers 'Little Burgers" but seriously, a single "Little Burger" is equivalent to a double at most other places.

This is almost obscene.

Of course, Five Guys doesn't just heft meat on its burgers. It makes sure that shit is good! There's a faint film of charbroiled goodness from the grill that lends the most subtle carbon flavor to a burger! The toppings are really exceptional, but the meat is ultimately king at Five Guys.

Add caption

Moreover, I don't know exactly what it is, but the patties themselves have some sort of seasoning - it could be as simple as salt and pepper - that give it flavor beyond its exquisite texture. The meat is like angel cake...except it's meat. Weird analogy, but that's the best I can do. This stuff is DELICIOUS!

Score: 7/8

Thus the "Burger Score" is totaled below:

Bun 1.5
Meat 7
Toppings 4.5 +
------------------13

Five Guys receives a burger score of:

13/16

Of course, Five Guys has other things up its sleeve. For one, there are the peanuts. You might not go there for the peanuts, it's definitely something to keep in mind, and worth .5 points of tilt! Additionally, their fries is AWESOME and really the best we've had so far (I hate speaking in vagueries, but in this reviewers opinion, it's got an edge over Graffiti Burger's excellent fries that I can't quite explain) In any case, it's worth a good point of tilt. 

I would go there for just the fries.

Finally, there's the sheer amount of food that Five Guys gives you. Lots of fries. Lots of toppings. Huge patties.  For bigger guys or hungrier folks this is a legitimate incentive in its own right to go to Five Guys. A final and well-deserved point of tilt right there! 

The aftermath of a valor struggle

Tilt Score: 2.5

Five Guys earns an aggregate score of:

15.5/16(21 if including potential tilt points)

Five Guys has handily and convincingly earned an exceptional score and the title of artisan burger! With fries, it's a bit more pricey than your average bourgeois burger, but the quality more than makes up for the fact. Amazing fries, huge burgers and high quality in all its offerings, there's little more that can be said! This place is AWESOME, and we proudly and enthusiastically recommend them to anyone driving by Grandview or even Lennox! It''ll be well worth your while!

And you could meet these guys!

Or this guy!

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