Dairy Queen

As everyone knows, one of the most important parts about writing a good, reputable article is to keep personal bias out of the writing. I hate to throw our journalistic expertise and integrity out the window, but honestly, who doesn't love Dairy Queen? Honestly. Anyone?

Even people in Minnesota like good ol' DQ

Okay, fine. There's probably a bunch of people who don't like Dairy Queen. I mean, without going too deep into some typical complaints about the joint, their dislike might have to do with the fact that they often don't have an area to actually eat (and by the same logic no bathroom), that the drive-through line is perpetually long enough that it takes at least fifteen minutes to place the order and at least five after that to actually get your food, providing that one of the greasy high school dropouts manning the ice cream dispenser doesn't drop your cone or take a second to finish smoking his bowl, or it could be that if you are lucky enough to actually find a DQ with an indoor seating area, it's a dirty, cramped establishment filled with an entire 2nd grade girl's soccer team in line ahead of you.

Typical Dairy Queen customers

While these may seem like some serious issues, there were no constraints on the atmosphere of our dining experience. Well, really that might just be because we were outside eating in the brisk 40 degree air (complete with wind chill) which meant that atmosphere was all about. Well, and noise pollution since you're right next to Fifth Avenue.

"Noise porrution heer is noffing compared to dat of my homerand!" -As said by Jenqster, therefore unoffensive.

Walking up to the front of the building, the first thing that catches your eye is the rather extensive menu above the window. Dairy Queen is known for its basically limitless combinations when it comes to ice cream and blizzards, but when ordering the burger, you have just about the same versatility, and can choose everything from the type of bun or cheese to the size of the patty. Interestingly, and dubiously enough, all toppings save for pickles cost extra... But more on that in the toppings section.

The size of the menu is so immense, so worthy of the Gods, that we could not fit it all in one picture. It would take literally five more photographs to capture both the ice-cream and the non-burger options.

In any case, we ordered our Grillburgers, as they call them, and about ten minutes later we all had them in our hands. We walked over to the rock hard picnic table that was likely unused since last September, and proceeded to chow down on a pretty good variety of patties, from the half-pound FlameThrower Grillburger, which is a badass name for a burger, to the equally manly DQ Ultimate.

Clearly inspired by the DQ Ultimate

The Bun
Easily the most boring part of this particular burger--the bun. It was unremarkable in all respects, save for the fact that it looked really pretty. However, even though it was unremarkable, it was by no means bad. It tasted fine, there wasn't too much of it, and the fact that you could choose little things such as whether or not it has sesame seeds on it was kinda cool! It kept the burger together well, in any case, which means that it gets a solid 1.5.

Score: 1.5/3

Just look at that beautiful swirl! (Or bun-anus as one burger buster called it. I won't say names, like the Jenqster, because I should keep him anonymous.)

The Toppings
The toppings at Dairy Queen were an interesting affair. The ones that were on there were generally good--the lettuce was crispy and the tomatoes and pickles were flavorful, but at the same time, getting these integral toppings meant shelling out some extra dough. Dairy Queen seems to think that on a "cheeseburger," all you need are pickles, cheese, ketchup and mustard. You may be asking, "What's up with that? I want other plants besides vinegary cucumbers on my sandwich!" Well, in that case you would have to order the "Classic w/ cheese," which happens to be a dollar more expensive for just the sandwich, and 30 cents more expensive for the combo. What the hell is going on, Dairy Queen? Why is the "Cheeseburger" different from the "Classic w/ Cheese"? Who chose these prices and who thought it was a good idea to charge extra for flapping lettuce?

Anyway, leaving perplexing cost management out of the picture, they put both pepper jack and American cheese on my FlameThrower, which was pretty awesome. They also put a mysterious cheese sauce on there that added a little bit of spice to every bite, which made me feel dangerously satisfied. Dangerous in the artery-clogging sense. However, because Dairy Queen apparently wants to ruin everything good at their restaurant by adding little annoyances here and there, their bacon was really bad. Basically flavorless strips of greasy plastic. AND on my FlameThrower, they forgot to put bacon and tomato on it, which is just stupid. How do you remember to put three different kinds of cheese on my burger in the exact order they are advertised, but forget the bacon and tomato? I mean, seriously. I'm outraged.

In any case, these infractions made what could have been an excellent toppings score in terms of both variety and quality into a pretty mediocre one.

Score: 2/5

Notice the fake (but delicious) FlameThrower cheese sauce and the flimsy bacon

The Patty
The patty is really the highlight of a Dairy Queen Grillburger, which is very satisfying to say. Or type, rather. The point is, it's not too often that we see patties as the best things on our burgers, and this is reflected in the fact that "luxury" burgers are concerned mostly with the composition and quality of the toppings, rather than the patty or seasoning, because it is just ground beef. This was a patty that went above and beyond the call of duty, especially for a fast food joint.

The Burger Busters are very pleased with the patty. Not so much with the atmosphere...

The first thing one notices about a patty from Dairy Queen is that it's pretty big. Even the non-quarter pound patties that might be considered small by today's fast food standards really aren't that small, as was evidenced by the DQ Ultimate. They're not just wide, but they're also thick, which means that you can actually taste the beef. There's some kind of magical, salty seasoning too, which is pretty tasty.

Just look at how thick. Just look at how melty that cheese is. That is a good burger.

That's just delicious. I mean, really. Dairy Queen, you have earned your solid score of 5 out of 8 on your patty. We salute you.

Score: 5/8

We got some other stuff too. The fries were pretty good, and had a good outer crispiness and salt content to compliment the inner potato grease. Plus, you could taste the potato, which is a big factor when it comes to fries. Yes, they're fried, but if you can't taste the potato, you may as well be eating fried bread.

The purported fries. Complete with carrying case for easy takeout!

In regards to other things that might go towards tilt, Dairy Queen is, of course, the queen of dairy. That is, their ice cream is absolutely delicious. Whether you get a blizzard and fill it to the brim with toppings, a dilly bar if you're feeling adventurous, or a milkshake that's as thick and creamy as... Oh nevermind... The point is, Dairy Queen's sweet treats are delicious. Writing about it is literally making my mouth water, because it's that freakin' good. I'm going within three miles of Fifth Avenue tonight, so I think I might just drop by, because it's seriously that good. And by the way, next time you're there, you might just try getting a straight up ice cream cone! It's the best self-serve around. That's worth a whole tilt point, baby!

And if you get a large, they'll even put a prize inside!

Thus the "Burger Score" is totaled below:

Bun 1.5
Meat 5
Toppings 2 +
------------------8.5

Dairy Queen receives a burger score of:

8.5/16

Tilt Score: 1

You can't beat that soft serve!

Dairy Queen earns an aggregate score of:

9.5/16(21 if including potential tilt points)

If you're ever on Fifth Avenue and you're looking for a cheap alternative to Five Guys (or Graffiti Burger if you swing that way--it's right across the street), don't go to Burger King or McD's. Even though Dairy Queen advertises based mostly on it's cream, their burgers are the cream of the crop when it comes to fast food joints, assuming the people serving you aren't too baked and you don't mind eating in your car. Just make sure you get an ice cream with it!


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Dawww... Just look at how cute he is...