Sunday, March 27, 2011

Five Guys

Splendid isolation within this garden of the world.
Before I start, I would like to make note of a trend that has become apparent in our escapades over the last few weeks.


Throughout our time with the Burger Busters, the layout of the central Ohio burger landscape has fallen into place neatly. To start, there exist several layers to one's dining experience that take into account the cumulative knowledge of hearsay and self-aggrandized reviews written by obnoxious youths with too much time on their hands. In any case, the result of all this is a class system of Marxian proportions! The general breakdown is as follows:


Shitburger: This would be like White Castle. Bad stuff that has no illusion concerning its role. The burger of the proletariat and the staple of the common man even if tainted by the cost cutting factors of the capitalists.


Bourgeois Burger: Burger King, Wendy's, Macdonald's. The burger of the middle classes. A greater degree of care in each burger to sate the greed of the capitalist pig-dogs. Unlike shitburgers, make an attempt to espouse the quality of ingredients, all accrued via imperialism and oppression. Superficial, and locked in the socially fatal battle for profits. Still taste pretty good though.


Artisan Burgers: Five Guys, Graffiti Burger, Burgers Dogs & Fries (Supposedly on that last one.) Burgers catering to the decadence of the higher classes. Stamp out the common man through ostentatious toppings and fry their French Fries in the tears and blood of the young virgin daughters of the proletariat working in the factories of the greedy capitalists. 


Generally the better tasting burgers!

Her suffering lends the exquisite, nutty flavor of 
broken dreams and a broken home!

That said, it was time for the Burger Busters to tackle a burger belonging to the last of these three categories, the Artisan Burger! The previous experience with ostensible artisan burger joint Burgers Dogs and Fries had been disappointing to say the least. One of the main reasons for this disappointment were the comparisons to the next burger joint of discussion, being Five Guys (1004 West 5th Avenue, Columbus) 


To be fair, the Burger Busters have had some positive experience with Five Guys, the shittiness of Burgers Dogs and Fries not withstanding. Certainly, along with Graffiti Burger, it is a defining edifice in the landscape of commercial level artisan burgers in the Arlington-Grandview area, and an informal rivalry seems to exist between them. Graffiti Burger's conspicuous billboard in the heart of Five Guys turf certainly didn't help...

Pictured: A big F-You! To Five Guys.
Five Guys seems to have done fine nonetheless. It's worth noting that the Burger Busters have not gone to Five Guys in the capacity of reviewers and that for the most part, had not eaten there in months. Our initial plan had been to go to Thurman's but with DRD out of action, we settled on Five Guys. Thus, the review...

Walking into Five Guys, the first thing that hits you is the simple, uncluttered lines of the place. It's got simple red and white tiles and a concrete floor. It's not cozy, but it's certainly a distinct and clean atmosphere. The place only sells burgers, hot dogs, fries and grilled cheese and across the walls are newspaper clippings detailing the accolades piled on the chain. All the same, the menu is fairly extensive and offers a wide variety of items (and the toppings are FREE!) good stuff!

Notice they call a single a "Little Burger" So badass.
Moreover, they have peanuts to sate a client's hunger while they wait in line. And by peanuts, I mean in huge cardboard tubs full of Arachis hypogaea! And while I don't personally like peanuts, I definitely think it's a nice touch! Like a dinner date with the Jenqster, the charm offensive starts before you even get started!

The extent of Five Guys' vegetarian offerings.
 Of course, ANYONE can buy a sack of peanuts from the grocer and plop it in your restaurant front. As the ancient Hawaiians used to say: A box of peanuts - an excellent burger does not make. Thus, on to the Burger! TO THE GLORY!


For this trip, your reviewer bought a bacon cheeseburger with everything except mustard and mushrooms. Because Five Guys doesn't have a specific titles to topping combinations (i.e., DQ ultimate, baconator, big mac, etc.) this bacon cheeseburger will be the focus of this review. 

I listen to this song before two things:
Sex and eating at Five Guys.

The Bun
This is probably the weakest part of a Five Guys Burger. The main function of a bun is to provide a means by which to hold your meal together and give you a dry handhold. Five Guys literally skirts the edge of what's acceptable in this fashion:
Practically a pita bun. 
As seen above, it's about 3 cm or so of bun. Given the prodigious amount of toppings (detailed below) that Five Guys uses and the fact that your burger comes bundled in foil exacerbates this fact. If you open up your burger the moment you receive it, you should be golden and it will taste pretty good. The edges are toasted and there's a definite 'taste' to it, if that makes sense. Still, if you are not diligent in unwrapping your burger, you'll almost certainly have a sopping mess and your toppings and patty will come sliding out on your pants. 


That said, the Five Guys bun for all its pros ultimately has a bun that fails the requisite role, and must be docked accordingly.


Score: 1.5/3

The Toppings 
Attaining the title of artisan burger isn't something just any burger joint can do (look at Burgers Dogs & Fries, which does so only in purpose rather than function.) You have to EARN that shit! And while Five Guys dropped the ball on its bun, it totally redeems itself come toppings! This burger launches a balls to the wall assault on the definition of delicious. Crispy, sweet lettuce, succulent and plum tomatoes and cheese dribbling down the patty like manna from heaven!

This could feed the entire Republic of Congo - and bears
striking resemblance to that nation's flag!
To be sure, the bacon isn't quite the leviathan slabs of meat that Graffiti Burger offers but it's still crispy and delicious, and you'll definitely taste it! 

There is, without exaggeration, about a half inch
layer of bacon here.
Moreover, in terms of peppers, Five Guys pulls no punches. When you order something from Five Guys, you can be sure that you will taste it and it will be delicious! It might not have specialty sauces like at Graffiti burger, but for its offerings, Five Guys is superb!

A providential pepper manifests itself amidst a sea of meat.
Score: 4.5/5

The Patty
This is where Five Guys REALLY distinguishes itself. The patty might just be the most expensive part of a burger and it accordingly is the one subject to the most shortcuts. It's an unfortunate fact of the business because the patty is, for many, the best part of a burger! That said, Five Guys is a pleasant surprise!

Juicy, flavorful and tender - an exquisite feat. 

To start, the sheer quantity of meat provided is astounding! Five Guys emasculates its prospective customers by labeling their single burgers 'Little Burgers" but seriously, a single "Little Burger" is equivalent to a double at most other places.

This is almost obscene.
Of course, Five Guys doesn't just heft meat on its burgers. It makes sure that shit is good! There's a faint film of charbroiled goodness from the grill that lends the most subtle carbon flavor to a burger! The toppings are really exceptional, but the meat is ultimately king at Five Guys.
Add caption

Moreover, I don't know exactly what it is, but the patties themselves have some sort of seasoning - it could be as simple as salt and pepper - that give it flavor beyond its exquisite texture. The meat is like angel cake...except it's meat. Weird analogy, but that's the best I can do. This stuff is DELICIOUS!

Score: 7/8



Thus the "Burger Score" is totaled below:

Bun 1.5
Meat 7
Toppings 4.5 +
------------------
13

Five Guys receives a burger score of:

13/16

Of course, Five Guys has other things up its sleeve. For one, there are the peanuts. You might not go there for the peanuts, it's definitely something to keep in mind, and worth .5 points of tilt! Additionally, their fries is AWESOME and really the best we've had so far (I hate speaking in vagueries, but in this reviewers opinion, it's got an edge over Graffiti Burger's excellent fries that I can't quite explain) In any case, it's worth a good point of tilt. 

I would go there for just the fries.
Finally, there's the sheer amount of food that Five Guys gives you. Lots of fries. Lots of toppings. Huge patties.  For bigger guys or hungrier folks this is a legitimate incentive in its own right to go to Five Guys. A final and well-deserved point of tilt right there! 

The aftermath of a valor struggle

Tilt Score: 2.5

Five Guys earns an aggregate score of:

15.5/16(21 if including potential tilt points)


Five Guys has handily and convincingly earned an exceptional score and the title of artisan burger! With fries, it's a bit more pricey than your average bourgeois burger, but the quality more than makes up for the fact. Amazing fries, huge burgers and high quality in all its offerings, there's little more that can be said! This place is AWESOME, and we proudly and enthusiastically recommend them to anyone driving by Grandview or even Lennox! It''ll be well worth your while!

And you could meet these guys!
Or this guy!






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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Dairy Queen

As everyone knows, one of the most important parts about writing a good, reputable article is to keep personal bias out of the writing. I hate to throw our journalistic expertise and integrity out the window, but honestly, who doesn't love Dairy Queen? Honestly. Anyone?


Even people in Minnesota like good ol' DQ

Okay, fine. There's probably a bunch of people who don't like Dairy Queen. I mean, without going too deep into some typical complaints about the joint, their dislike might have to do with the fact that they often don't have an area to actually eat (and by the same logic no bathroom), that the drive-through line is perpetually long enough that it takes at least fifteen minutes to place the order and at least five after that to actually get your food, providing that one of the greasy high school dropouts manning the ice cream dispenser doesn't drop your cone or take a second to finish smoking his bowl, or it could be that if you are lucky enough to actually find a DQ with an indoor seating area, it's a dirty, cramped establishment filled with an entire 2nd grade girl's soccer team in line ahead of you.


Typical Dairy Queen customers

While these may seem like some serious issues, there were no constraints on the atmosphere of our dining experience. Well, really that might just be because we were outside eating in the brisk 40 degree air (complete with wind chill) which meant that atmosphere was all about. Well, and noise pollution since you're right next to Fifth Avenue.

"Noise porrution heer is noffing compared to dat of my homerand!" -As said by Jenqster, therefore unoffensive.

Walking up to the front of the building, the first thing that catches your eye is the rather extensive menu above the window. Dairy Queen is known for its basically limitless combinations when it comes to ice cream and blizzards, but when ordering the burger, you have just about the same versatility, and can choose everything from the type of bun or cheese to the size of the patty. Interestingly, and dubiously enough, all toppings save for pickles cost extra... But more on that in the toppings section.

















The size of the menu is so immense, so worthy of the Gods, that we could not fit it all in one picture. It would take literally five more photographs to capture both the ice-cream and the non-burger options.

In any case, we ordered our Grillburgers, as they call them, and about ten minutes later we all had them in our hands. We walked over to the rock hard picnic table that was likely unused since last September, and proceeded to chow down on a pretty good variety of patties, from the half-pound FlameThrower Grillburger, which is a badass name for a burger, to the equally manly DQ Ultimate.

Clearly inspired by the DQ Ultimate

The Bun
Easily the most boring part of this particular burger--the bun. It was unremarkable in all respects, save for the fact that it looked really pretty. However, even though it was unremarkable, it was by no means bad. It tasted fine, there wasn't too much of it, and the fact that you could choose little things such as whether or not it has sesame seeds on it was kinda cool! It kept the burger together well, in any case, which means that it gets a solid 1.5.

Score: 1.5/3
Just look at that beautiful swirl! (Or bun-anus as one burger buster called it. I won't say names, like the Jenqster, because I should keep him anonymous.)

The Toppings
The toppings at Dairy Queen were an interesting affair. The ones that were on there were generally good--the lettuce was crispy and the tomatoes and pickles were flavorful, but at the same time, getting these integral toppings meant shelling out some extra dough. Dairy Queen seems to think that on a "cheeseburger," all you need are pickles, cheese, ketchup and mustard. You may be asking, "What's up with that? I want other plants besides vinegary cucumbers on my sandwich!" Well, in that case you would have to order the "Classic w/ cheese," which happens to be a dollar more expensive for just the sandwich, and 30 cents more expensive for the combo. What the hell is going on, Dairy Queen? Why is the "Cheeseburger" different from the "Classic w/ Cheese"? Who chose these prices and who thought it was a good idea to charge extra for flapping lettuce?

Anyway, leaving perplexing cost management out of the picture, they put both pepper jack and American cheese on my FlameThrower, which was pretty awesome. They also put a mysterious cheese sauce on there that added a little bit of spice to every bite, which made me feel dangerously satisfied. Dangerous in the artery-clogging sense. However, because Dairy Queen apparently wants to ruin everything good at their restaurant by adding little annoyances here and there, their bacon was really bad. Basically flavorless strips of greasy plastic. AND on my FlameThrower, they forgot to put bacon and tomato on it, which is just stupid. How do you remember to put three different kinds of cheese on my burger in the exact order they are advertised, but forget the bacon and tomato? I mean, seriously. I'm outraged.

In any case, these infractions made what could have been an excellent toppings score in terms of both variety and quality into a pretty mediocre one.

Score: 2/5












Notice the fake (but delicious) FlameThrower cheese sauce and the flimsy bacon

The Patty
The patty is really the highlight of a Dairy Queen Grillburger, which is very satisfying to say. Or type, rather. The point is, it's not too often that we see patties as the best things on our burgers, and this is reflected in the fact that "luxury" burgers are concerned mostly with the composition and quality of the toppings, rather than the patty or seasoning, because it is just ground beef. This was a patty that went above and beyond the call of duty, especially for a fast food joint.

The Burger Busters are very pleased with the patty. Not so much with the atmosphere...


The first thing one notices about a patty from Dairy Queen is that it's pretty big. Even the non-quarter pound patties that might be considered small by today's fast food standards really aren't that small, as was evidenced by the DQ Ultimate. They're not just wide, but they're also thick, which means that you can actually taste the beef. There's some kind of magical, salty seasoning too, which is pretty tasty.

Just look at how thick. Just look at how melty that cheese is. That is a good burger.


That's just delicious. I mean, really. Dairy Queen, you have earned your solid score of 5 out of 8 on your patty. We salute you.

Score: 5/8

We got some other stuff too. The fries were pretty good, and had a good outer crispiness and salt content to compliment the inner potato grease. Plus, you could taste the potato, which is a big factor when it comes to fries. Yes, they're fried, but if you can't taste the potato, you may as well be eating fried bread.

The purported fries. Complete with carrying case for easy takeout!

In regards to other things that might go towards tilt, Dairy Queen is, of course, the queen of dairy. That is, their ice cream is absolutely delicious. Whether you get a blizzard and fill it to the brim with toppings, a dilly bar if you're feeling adventurous, or a milkshake that's as thick and creamy as... Oh nevermind... The point is, Dairy Queen's sweet treats are delicious. Writing about it is literally making my mouth water, because it's that freakin' good. I'm going within three miles of Fifth Avenue tonight, so I think I might just drop by, because it's seriously that good. And by the way, next time you're there, you might just try getting a straight up ice cream cone! It's the best self-serve around. That's worth a whole tilt point, baby!

And if you get a large, they'll even put a prize inside!

Thus the "Burger Score" is totaled below:

Bun 1.5
Meat 5
Toppings 2 +
------------------
8.5

Dairy Queen receives a burger score of:

8.5/16

Tilt Score: 1

You can't beat that soft serve!

Dairy Queen earns an aggregate score of:

9.5/16(21 if including potential tilt points)

If you're ever on Fifth Avenue and you're looking for a cheap alternative to Five Guys (or Graffiti Burger if you swing that way--it's right across the street), don't go to Burger King or McD's. Even though Dairy Queen advertises based mostly on it's cream, their burgers are the cream of the crop when it comes to fast food joints, assuming the people serving you aren't too baked and you don't mind eating in your car. Just make sure you get an ice cream with it!


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Dawww... Just look at how cute he is...

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Burgers Dogs and Fries

This is going to be somewhat of a short review. To be honest, there are really only so many ways to say that a burger joint sucks. In support of the word count, however, the latest venue that we attended sucked in so many ways.

To start the place, Burgers Dogs And Fries (3110 Kingsdale Ctr, Columbus) and I do not have a great history. My first visit was a sunny day in October - Burgers Dogs and Fries had just opened and had good reviews from seemingly everyone who went there. When I went it was mediocre at best. Convinced this was an anomalous incident on account of the continued recommendations, I went again with even worse results.

Stupidly, naively in fact, the Burgerbusters decided to tackle this burger joint again with the expectation of different results.

The Burgerbusters. c. March 2011
To start, the place's ambiance is nothing to write home about. It's green. The chairs are black. The menu is annoying as hell to navigate and the only people sitting there seemed to be creeps or douchebags. There was this one guy who looked like the CIA director from Bourne. That said, at least we were in like company.
Like company
Ultimately, we decided to eat the burgers back at the High School. With us on this particular trip was the most esteemed Perry Kleinhenz who got a cheeseburger. In line with the bacon tendencies exhibited at Graffiti Burger and Wendy's, I got their bacon cheeseburger combo.

Owing to the distinct lack of a camera and the restricted class schedule owing to it being a lunch period, we hurried back to the High School to eat - and conduct our review.


The Bun
The bun was a decidedly misleading affair. We started our evaluation in viewing the tried and true forms of the cheeseburger, or at least Burgers Dogs and Fries' take on it. At this stage the bun was adequate for its role. It held everything together in an acceptable fashion. The astounding success of the BDF bun, however, owed itself to the overall feebleness of the burger in question (more on this in toppings.) When faced with a heftier burger with more toppings, the BDF bun was overwhelmed and routed.

The above photo is the BDF bacon combo with a bite taken out of it. Yes, the toppings are shittacular, but what should also be evident is the bun. While it IS toasted, this really doesn't provide any vindication for this sorry bun. The texture is shitty. It's chewy on the edges as if it's been wedged in a humid car seat for a couple days then left to dry in your grandpa's moth-ball-ridden sock drawer. The toasting provides no texture and no taste. 



So in short, even though it carried out all the requisite steps to make an ostensibly good bun, in this case it's consistently bad.

"Rob Scheider stars in: The Burger!"
Score: 1.5/3

The Toppings

There are times when a person remembers exactly what they were thinking when they do something. Seeing Burgers Dogs and Fries elicited a resounding "SHIIIIIIIIIIT!" upon rearing its ugly head. There are so many issues here that it's hard to choose just where to start. For one, I should discuss the distinct lack of toppings on the cheeseburger:

As stated before, Perry Kleinhenz ordered a cheeseburger combo. He ordered the basic condiments. Upon inspection of the burger, we realized that there were no pickles in spite of his specifically asking that they give him pickles. This little mishap, however, could have been attributed to lack of sleep, poor education system or shitty genetic material. Fair enough. Still, just a second later we realized that there was no cheese.

On a cheeseburger.

It's akin to be shown to an empty lot and told it was Paris, just minus the buildings, the people, the vegetation and the history

So basically Jordan.
Unfortunately, when the toppings were there they still sucked. To be perfectly fair, there were decent parts. There was an impressive variety of toppings that were free! Plus, the tomatoes looked good. The onions...well, they were there. I guess basically the biggest thing going for Burgers Dogs and Fries' toppings was that they were there. Sadly, this was concurrently what made their burgers so bad.
This is either a hamburger or an afterbirth. You decide.
Burgers Dogs and Fries packs their burgers with toppings. And by toppings, I mean ketchup and mustard and shreds of...stuff. The feeble buns in combination with the copious amounts of bad toppings means your burger will separate mid stroke and that you'll have your burger shitting its offal all over the place. I was initially consoled by the fact that I ordered a bacon combo. Bacon, I reasoned is always good. Strangely, I had not encountered the bacon on my first probative bites. On closer inspection, I realize I had. I also realized their bacon was shitty.
Camp Bacon. Fuck this shit.
Don't bother ordering their bacon. It's basically meat foil. You won't taste it and it adds about a $1.00 to your order. There's no texture added to your meal and given the price, it's really not worth it. The toppings will drown it out. But then...the toppings aren't really worth getting either, so...hm. Just an all around bad situation.

Score: 1.5/5

The Patty
It might be because of the overwhelming tide of toppings, but the patty was the strong point on this burger. That said, it wasn't anything special. To start, it was DAMN thin.

See that shadow there between the pickles and the bun? Yeah, that's the patty.
Burgers Dogs and Fries peddles a Veggie burger which is curious to me because after several bites of this burger, I wasn't aware that I had eaten meat. Bummer. Still, when I separated a couple bites from the rest of the abomination, I was greeted by a mediocre patty. It doesn't have the charbroiled residue from the grill so there isn't any of the smoky carbon tinges of a higher end burger. There isn't any immediately discernible seasoning either. To  be sure, there were a couple weird hard parts, but they weren't anything that would surprise me from a place like Wendy's. So mediocre.

Score: 3/8

Thus the "Burger Score" is totaled below:

Bun 1.5
Meat 3
Toppings 1.5 +
------------------
6


Burgers Dogs and Fries receives a burger score of:

6/16

That's pretty damn underwhelming given that people told me this place was comparable to Graffiti Burger and Five Guys. Overall the meal was a bad experience with points getting docked on all fronts. There's a Wendy's literally in walking distance from this place. If you can make it, go there. Hell, I'll even point out Wendy's 'New Fries' if it'll dissuade you from going to Burgers Dogs and fries. I mean honestly, 'Dogs and Fries" isn't such a bad name. Maybe they should consider it.

Tilt Score: -1

They forgot the cheese on a cheeseburger. Are. You. Kidding me. (Declarative sentence, because, I mean seriously?!?!)

Burgers Dogs and Fries earns an aggregate score of:

5/16(21 if including potential tilt points)




I tried to keep this review short, but this place was by far one of the worst I've been to. I do know some people like this place, and they're free to comment below. Still, on my three trips to this burger joint it was bad. Just bad. This was my third time, but it's definitely my last time too. Not only because I hate their shitty burgers, but because of the petty logic that my money will be spent on places that make real ham/cheeseburgers. Not this weird stuff I just ate. No stretch of the imagination could make me want to go back to this burger joint.

 
"Hey, you know what I've been thinking?"
"What?"
"These burgers taste like ass."




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