The Thurman Café

In conducting a review of Central Ohio Burger joints, it is only fair that The Thurman Café (183 Thurman Avenue Columbus, OH 43206), known simply as "Thurman's" be evaluated. Thurman's exists as a crowning edifice in the landscape of burger joints in the Columbus area. Nestled in the heart of German village since 1942, Thurman's has been featured in Man v. Food and, if not commonly accepted as the premier burger joint, is certainly the most well known. To be sure, it is the one restaurant for which the busters have been recommended time and time again, and purports to make "The Best Burgers in Columbus."


In order to test this, the Burger Busters decided to embark on an epic struggle, tackling not just the classic Thurman Burger, but also the fabled Thurmanator - and not just one, but THREE! It would be a providential day in Burgerbuster history, one captured in the transcript below. Thurman's was more than a burgerbusting experience. It was, to put it mildly, a veritable battle. 

And in both cases, history was made.

But first on to the burger! As with O'Reilly's, Thurman's has earned the prestigious honor of being what the burgerbusters call a Burger God. That is to say that the burger features certain aspects that cannot be conveyed via the conventional scoring system or even the built-in tilt score feature. Thus, while the three major factors in burger evaluation shall be here listed, the score shall not be summed to represent the fact that, in fact, there exists something above and beyond what a person expects of a burger joint. A certain je ne sais quoi that goes beyond tabulation.  The burger up for review here will be the proverbial thurmanator, a legend throughout the midwest and a bastion of burger goodness.

This says it better than I could. 

Warning!

Before commencing this review, several features should be kept in mind when ordering at thurmanator. These are enumerated below:

• Make sure your fuel reserves are empty before tackling a thurmanator. Rupture of the stomach lining may cause you to die. 
• When lifting a thurmanator, lift with your legs rather than your back. Improper form when lifting heavy objects leaves one susceptible to  serious back injury.
• Never look at a thurmanator directly unless willing to engage in combat. Bedouin and samurai honor codes decree that a direct regard signifies a duel to the death. 
• If necessary, consider light warm up exercise to prep your body for the grueling struggle ahead. Good examples include push-ups or jumping jacks! Don't be caught off guard!
• The thurmanator is banned in 28 of the 48 continental United States of America. Please refer to local and state laws before attempting to transfer a thurmanator across the border. 

Bear all this in mind, and you'll be on your way to a safe and enjoyable eating experience! 


Now, on to the review...


The Bun
It's never been seen before until now, but Thurman's has a perfect bun. It's firm yet tender, a golden masterpiece that is perfectly seasoned and goes above and beyond the call of duty to hold together the monstrous Thurmanator. And successfully. And while a million jokes could be made regarding buns and actresses, supermodels and others of their exquisite ilk, we must bear in mind that the Thurman bun is a heroic creature. It has none of the delicacy and grace of femininity and instead goes balls to the wall to hold together the raging battle between it's fortified confines.

The Thurman bun

The Thurman bun is easily the best bun the burgerbuster have ever had. And if it abandoned its post as the gatekeeper of the formidable burgers at Thurman's, we would still happily gobble it up as simply a roll. 


Score: An enthusiastic 3/3

The Toppings
It has often been said that the people of Russia were hardened into a tough, innovative and mighty people not based on any innate militarism or aggressiveness, but because preternatural enemies on all sides served as a crucible to give the icy nation an indomitable temper. In many ways, this is an apt analogy as it relates to burgers. The bun of Thurman's is a child of necessity, that necessity being the undulating masses of toppings afforded to Thurman's burgers. 

I see Tartar raiders, a Grande Armee, German stormtroopers and a helluva lot of toppings. 

Thurman's slathers on lettuce, onions, tomatoes, bacon, grilled onions, mozzarella, cheddar cheeses and sauces of your choice on the Thurmanator. It is about as awesome as it sounds, more so given that quality of said toppings really is superb. The cheese on this burger is enough to give pizza a run for its money. The lettuce is crisp and lends the burger a bearable refreshing and juicy bite. The grilled onions are amazing and offer a nuanced and discreet sweet to the ham's salty. 


That's right, they have ham as a requisite topping on the thurmanator.  They top their meat with meat. 


And while bacon is indeed a meat for all interested, that shit doesn't fulfill the literal appellation of a hamburger as a hamburger. Bestowing ham upon so fine a meal gives not only flavor but is an indicator that Thurman's does not fuck around when it comes to its toppings. That said, bear in mind, that in spite of being a manly purveyor of meat, Thurman's does offer a veggie sub and vegetable pizza. Given that Thurman's is man enough to offer goods that stand on the virtue of their vegetables alone, you can be damn sure they know how to pack in the green good stuff. 


Score: 5/5


The Meat
If one orders the thurmanator, this is really what your money is paying for. At the core of the philosophy is that bigger is better and if that bigger is good tasting, than shit, you've got a winning recipe! That said, consistent with all the above shown portions is two 12 ounce patties of meat equating to a whopping 24 ounces. That's 1.5 pounds of meat. To put that in perspective, that's bigger than  your typical New York strip steak or cut of ribeye.  

Quote of the day: "I have never seen so much meat in one place."
                                                                   
                                                                 -Abby

Couple this with the quality of the meat and you have something pretty extraordinary. At the heart of the Thurman's experience is taste and texture in equal parts. The ground beef at Thurman's knows how to play the game so to speak. There aren't hard parts and weird alien textures that you might get from Wendy's or a lower rung burger joint. Moreover, Thurman's burgers can be ordered with varying degrees of done-ness. As seen above, there's a bit of pink in that burger that only a freshly cooked burger to your specifications can offer. Thurman's meat is fresh and hot off the grill. 


Still, it is curiously in the meat department that Thurman's suffers its few issues. While thurman's uses high quality meat and in mindboggling quantities, it's not really all that seasoned. Moreover, the 'taste of the grill,' the carbon residue that every student of grillings seeks to acquire is simply not there. To be sure, Thurman's has superb quality meat and for the purist who loves his meat au naturale, none of the aforementioned issues are a problem. Thurman's has great patties. They just don't add the flourishes to make eating one and a half pounds of it all that easy. 

Score: 6.5/8

Aside from the burgers and subject of this review, Thurman's has pretty damn good fries. Not potato-y but not simply the crunchy rinds of over fried 'taters. Moreover, Thurman's has something for everyone with a range of varying subs, appetizers and entrees. The atmosphere itself is that of an all-American pub and the decor is by turns eclectic and humorous. Totally a place to chill out and enjoy the company of good friends. 

We accept the scrawl on our first president based on content.

As previously stated, Thurman's rank as a Burger God and a central Ohio legend precludes the tabulation of its score. If Jesus came down to earth in your lifetime and you were taller than him, you probably wouldn't tell him. Hell, you probably wouldn't even acknowledge it and just kowtow to him, cowering in terror as he refrains from obliterating you with his laser beams. Why? Well, because he has laser beams, but also because think of the coolest thing ever - he's cooler than that shit. Understand this idea, and you'll get why Thurman's is a Burger God.

Seriously? This again?

Thurman's claims on its website to be the purveyors of "The Best Burger in Columbus." While it is not the function of the burgerbusters to bestow such a title upon any single burger joint, Thurman's would without a shadow of a doubt be a real contender for such an honor. With awesome toppings, bun and loads of delicious meat, Thurman's proudly earns its designation as:

Burger God!

Come, Thurman['s]! Take your seat...AMONG THE GODS!

Also called Fenrisúlfr, Thor's bane, lord of Ragnorok.

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