The Thurman Café (Transcript of the day)

Eating at Thurman's was more than a dining experience - it was a battle. In a single day, the very faith and love of ground-beef based cuisine was put into doubt as the burgerbusters took on the Thurmanator. Herein lies a transcript of that fateful day, and just what YOU could expect from a trip to the legendary Thurman Cafe!

1248 hours, Thurman’s atrium

In addition to the regular crew, the Burgerbusters assembled an expeditionary force to tackle the fabled Thurman’s Café consisting of Kevin , Izzy, Dia, Abby and the incomparable Superstarr Wang (See, if you eat with us, we recognize you! We're attention whores!). All present were "Thurman Virgins," and so were eager to engage in burgerbusting with this local legend BY local legends - AKA, The Burgerbusters.

Although the initial mobilization would be slowed by Thurman's long wait the Burgerbuster Expeditionary force would be ready for deployment in good time.

Potential diners should take note that there are no call-ahead reservations at Thurman's; one should be prepared for a considerable wait, especially at the busy dining hours of 11AM-1PM and 5-7PM. The Burgerbusters, for example, had an hour long wait, and observed many other diners idling in anticipation of their chance to eat AMONG THE GODS!

Purgatory.

Still, the place offers some nice diversions. There's a pin ball machine and Galaga/Miss Pac Man. And the Dos Equis Man.

Many brave souls and even more quarters were lost while waiting...

1302 hours, Thurman’s Café

The burgerbusters are seated. The Expeditionary force is distributed over two tables, Army Group A and B. Something to keep in mind for larger parties, especially on busy (every) days. Beachhead established. Drop Zone cleared for further assault. Tense communications are observed during ordering. Thurman's offers a wide and varied selection from Pizza, to burgers to the king of burgers and the burger of kings! Intelligence indicates the Thurmanator is bigger than any of us anticipated, consisting of two 12 ounce patties slathered with toppings galore. 

The overarching thought of the day: "Why are we doing this?"

Ryan: "Poor Genetic Material?"

Lynch: "fhdsakfhklahj!!!!"

1324 hours, Thurman’s Café

The Burgerbuster Expeditionary Force engages in preliminary shore-ranged bombardment and small scale skirmishing. A salad manifests itself from the early stages of the fray and is consumed in frightening fashion. Little resistance is experienced. Orders are promptly taken, however, do not appear until fairly late. Fair enough. Fitting five whole cows into a grinder to make a Thurmanator takes time, especially given that grinders take slabs of meat, not whole livestock. In any case, the order of battle is as follows:

Guess which one is from the largest continent in the world. Hard, right?

Army Group A

Jenqster: Thurmanator

Ryan: Thurmanator

Lynch: Bacon & Bleu

Izzy: Veggie Sub

Abby: Veggie Pizza

Army Group B

DD: Thurmanator

The Deer Hunter: Bacon & lettuce burger

Superstarr Wang: Bacon Burger

Dia: Cheeseburger Deluxe

Let's put the fear of God in those goddamn tomatoes!!!!

1352 hours, Thurman’s Café

At approximately 2:00PM, the main battle was joined with much foodstuffs being taken out. While the delectable virtues of the bacon & bleu, deluxe cheese and classic bacon burger were all visibly apparent, the BEF was taken off guard by the hulking size and strength of the legendary Thurmanator!

Variations on a theme.

The Thurmanator is known to be like lightning. It scares small children and animals.   Given that the Burgerbusters are arguably neither of these, we decided to take a risk and try to tackle this magnificent burger. It should be noted that the Thurmanator was featured on Man Vs. Food and for many eons was not even listed on the menu! With a structure that required two shish-kebab prongs to hold together, a bun that looked like the basilica of the Hagia Sophia and cheese dribbling down like the great flood, THIS was a burger of biblical proportions!

And we know damn well where those toppings came from.

1407 hours, Thurman’s Café

The battle would start with a fair degree of success. The conventional burgers, while undeniably large, would incur only light losses. The campaigns against the veggie pizza and the veggie sub, in turn, would also experience similar successes. And although it will not be the subject of the subsequent review, it should be noted that for vegetarians out there the portions are quite large and the quality consistent with other Thurman's offerings - which is to say pretty damn good.

Inexplicable hysteria is a well-known side effect of Thurman's

In any case, as the BEF made contact with the Thurmanator, intense battle commenced as the expeditionary force hurled itself at the fortified walls of meat and cheese. Knowing just where to start off the attack was among many of the challenges faced by the burgerbusters, as epitomized by the photos below:

FOR NARNIAAAAA!!!!

What the hell?!?!?

1436 hours, Thurman’s Café

Nearly a half an hour on, and Thurman's had taken its toll on the burgerbusters. An ehow article claims that the key to "Eating a lot" resides in willpower. With the huge amounts of food left on the plate...this sorta was a difficult feat to accomplish. One burgerbuster had bugged out and the other two still engaged were listing badly. Despondency was encroaching the lines of BEF as the thurmanator seemed too great to vanquish. 

The distraught face of defeat.

Like a hell borne of Greek mythology, the meat had begun to lose its flavor and the water gulped down to wash down the food was seemingly inflating in swollen stomachs. The lights were glaring brighter and hurting the eyes. Everything seemed to tremble. Colors hurt to look at and sounds were biting into the flesh of our eardrums. Everything was fading .

The deteriorating situation was exacerbated by the burgerbusters choice of company. All coincidentally girls, they lent their feminine opinion in uncharacteristically unfeminine brusqueness, openly questioning the resolve and fortitude of the burgerbusters. Emasculated, stuffed to the gills, tired, and because there was just so much food, the burgerbusters gave up. 

REALLY?!?!?!?!

--Just kidding. The Burger busters said "FUCK THIS SHIT!" and plowed on heroically! 

1504 hours, Thurman’s Café (VICTORY!)

By around 3:00PM, the burgerbusters had made either made a breakthrough or lost their minds completely. Historians generally agree that this was only one of two such episodes to annually befall the burgerbusters, the bouts generally lasting about six months each time (Badump-tish!) 

HAWHAWHAWHAWHAW!!!!!

In any case, the bugerbuster had obliterated what had remained of the thurmanator. Through teamwork, inane mutterings in French and the kind of motivation that only comes when women doubt your ability to shove your face full of food, the burger busters prevailed! At long last, our plates were fully empty of the masses of toppings, bun and meat and our stomachs were filled to the brim! In complete seriousness, this burgerbuster didn't eat anything until dinner the next day on account of being full (I'll spare you the details of how that turns out, if you catch my drift.) 

I am more proud of this than graduating High School.

 Sure, it had burned a hole in our wallets and all of us had unequivocal food pregnancies, but heck, it was 100% worth it! An answer to the question that had earlier been inexorably ringing in our heads seemed to finally manifest itself:

I'm making a Hapsburg joke here! I'm better than you!

Poor genetic material FTW!!!!!

In any case, tackling the Thurmanator was a dire and grueling process and hopefully this transcript provides a feel for just what to expect if you go to Thurman's in addition to shameless aggrandizement of an epic day! 

And while the epic story of the thurmanator has no doubt already scared off the sissies among you, the burgerbusters strongly suggest you head over to Thurman's yourselves and see if you can handle the thurmanator yourself! Heck, maybe you'll see us and the BEF there, engaged in furious battle!