This is where we were all of April. That's right, the crazy party at the house of fun.Let's start at the beginning. There are some absolute truths in this world, few as they are. For example, there comes a time in a man's life (or woman's life--let's be politically correct) when one's balls must drop.
Okay, maybe that doesn't really apply to women.
GOTCHA!I suppose a better way to say it is that there comes a time when one must mature and face the cold, hard world--complete with all the atrocities and luxuries it has to offer. It is sometimes difficult to find truth in a world with so much gray, but today we will recognize one of those noble, absolute truths which I spoke of earlier. Today is a monumental day for the burger busters. Today we look to the sky and see heaven. Today we crown our first Burger God.
This is actually what happened when we ordered our burgers.Enter O'Reilly's Pub (2822 North High Street), probably the most nondescript restaurant created by man. Were it not for a friend's recommendation, the burger busters would have passed it up as any other bar that lets minors in before 9:30 (conveniently enough). As you park, you wonder if you came to the right place, because it is a white, generally trashy looking building that looks like it belongs on the side of an abandoned state route.
Fortunately they have a sign!
Fortunately they have a sign!Opening the door, you can walk either right or left. If you take more than two steps forward, you run in to the long bar, at which many (unintentionally) hilarious happy hour patrons are seated. There was no "seat yourself" or "wait to be seated" sign, so the burger busters just did what we do best, and we trailblazed all the way over to mavericktown. That is, we seated ourselves.
The face of a rebel
The face of a rebelOur group of four fit snugly in the booth. Interestingly enough, it seemed to be broken, in that if I leaned back too far, the booth would lean with me. This meant that if either the fool sitting next to me or the fool in the adjacent booth decided to lean back, I would go with them.
If you're a freak who likes people watching, you might want to try it out here--it's pretty good. Not that I would know.
Anyway, after a good while, the waitress came over, who was cheery, and asked us if we would like drinks. Ten minutes later, which is much longer than it seemed like it would take to fill up our glasses, I was drinking a Diet Coke and ordering food. When we finally got it, we had been there for about an hour.
This face has "What the crap, where is my food??!" written all over it.
Thank dear sweet baby Jesus we waited, though, because this food was totally worth it. It was so worth it, that, by naming our first burger god, we will not degrade O'Reilly's by giving it something as tangible as a final score. However, in each section, we will give a score, just to appease those of you who absolutely must have numeric values assigned to make up your mind about how flapping good this is, but the final score will remain blank, because the burger busters dropped out of fourth grade, and forgot how to count that high. Just keep in mind that every part of this burger was truly extraordinary.
OH DEAR SWEET GOD. LOOK AT HOW AMAZING THAT BURGER LOOKS. AS I WRITE THIS, MY MOUTH IS WATERING. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THE BEAUTY ENOUGH.
The Bun
The bun of an O'Reilly's burger is easily the most normal thing about it, but at the same time, the bun does its job extremely well. It tastes like bread, rather than nothing, it holds together burgers of immense proportions, and is pleasantly toasted. Plus, when you get the pepper burger (the glory of which will be elaborated on later), it contributes to one of the best last bites of a sandwich in the universe. All of the extra peppercorns that didn't make it into your mouth gather around the edge of the burger and effectively make a pepper and meat-juice sandwich on toast. It tastes infinitely better than it sounds.
Score: 3/3
That is a nice looking bun-swirl. Assuming that's what the kids are calling it these days.
The Toppings
One of the numerous high points on an O'Reilly's burger is the quality of the toppings. They are not free, like at many artisan burger restaurants, but the range in price is only about a dollar, so all of you misers out really shouldn't be disappointed. They do have all sorts of sauces, ranging from a snappy BBQ sauce to a Jamaican jerk sauce (as in jerk chicken), which I will most certainly be trying next time, and several different kinds of cheese. It should be noted that all of the topping combinations on the menu are pre-combined (and very well, might I add), but if you absolutely must have fried bologna on your burger, I'm sure they would do it. Even though that's very, very sinful.
Provolone cheese melted on a burger. Stringy deliciousness.
The Patty
It is time to separate the men from the boys. The patty region is where O'Reilly's blows away every other burger joint we've been to thus far, and probably many of those we will review in the future. Every patty is listed as a half pound, and this is no understatement. In fact, this is probably the bare minimum the drill sergeants tell future chefs to put on their burgers at O'Reilly's boot camp. Which I'm sure exists.
They make all chefs in training make a "Johnny's Sub" in boot camp. Only after they make them do they tell the poor bastards they have to consume it as well. They generally explode.
If you're a freak who likes people watching, you might want to try it out here--it's pretty good. Not that I would know.Anyway, after a good while, the waitress came over, who was cheery, and asked us if we would like drinks. Ten minutes later, which is much longer than it seemed like it would take to fill up our glasses, I was drinking a Diet Coke and ordering food. When we finally got it, we had been there for about an hour.
This face has "What the crap, where is my food??!" written all over it.
OH DEAR SWEET GOD. LOOK AT HOW AMAZING THAT BURGER LOOKS. AS I WRITE THIS, MY MOUTH IS WATERING. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THE BEAUTY ENOUGH.The Bun
The bun of an O'Reilly's burger is easily the most normal thing about it, but at the same time, the bun does its job extremely well. It tastes like bread, rather than nothing, it holds together burgers of immense proportions, and is pleasantly toasted. Plus, when you get the pepper burger (the glory of which will be elaborated on later), it contributes to one of the best last bites of a sandwich in the universe. All of the extra peppercorns that didn't make it into your mouth gather around the edge of the burger and effectively make a pepper and meat-juice sandwich on toast. It tastes infinitely better than it sounds.
Score: 3/3
That is a nice looking bun-swirl. Assuming that's what the kids are calling it these days.The Toppings
One of the numerous high points on an O'Reilly's burger is the quality of the toppings. They are not free, like at many artisan burger restaurants, but the range in price is only about a dollar, so all of you misers out really shouldn't be disappointed. They do have all sorts of sauces, ranging from a snappy BBQ sauce to a Jamaican jerk sauce (as in jerk chicken), which I will most certainly be trying next time, and several different kinds of cheese. It should be noted that all of the topping combinations on the menu are pre-combined (and very well, might I add), but if you absolutely must have fried bologna on your burger, I'm sure they would do it. Even though that's very, very sinful.
Provolone cheese melted on a burger. Stringy deliciousness.Furthermore, the core toppings of any burger, the tomatoes, lettuce, pickles, and onions are all fresh and crispy. The pickles crunch, and the genuine red onions have a nice punch to them. Also, the bacon is nice and thick, such that you would want to eat it for breakfast, or make a weighty BLT out of it. While O'Reilly's doesn't reinvent the wheel when it comes to toppings, they make a damn good wheel.
Score: 4/5
Just look at how vibrant those beautiful veggies are! I'm swooning... And the fries are pretty hot too.
Score: 4/5
Just look at how vibrant those beautiful veggies are! I'm swooning... And the fries are pretty hot too.The Patty
It is time to separate the men from the boys. The patty region is where O'Reilly's blows away every other burger joint we've been to thus far, and probably many of those we will review in the future. Every patty is listed as a half pound, and this is no understatement. In fact, this is probably the bare minimum the drill sergeants tell future chefs to put on their burgers at O'Reilly's boot camp. Which I'm sure exists.
They make all chefs in training make a "Johnny's Sub" in boot camp. Only after they make them do they tell the poor bastards they have to consume it as well. They generally explode.The patties are all incredibly juicy, and taste like delicious, succulent, bona-fide ground beef. I had my patty cooked medium well, which was an excellent choice, although one of our guests chose to get his well-done, which apparently was also very juicy--an impressive feat for anyone who's tried to cook a burger well-done without turning it into charcoal.
However, on any pilgrim's first voyage to O'Reilly's, he (or she--I learned my lesson) should order the pepper burger. This is a half pound of love with peppercorns cooked right into the patty, with provolone cheese and bacon on top. The distinctly spicy, somewhat bitter taste of pepper compliments the savory cheese and bacon, not to mention the beef itself, creating a marvelous patty that crunches a bit with every bite. The combination of these three ingredients make for one of the best sandwiches I've ever eaten. As I think back to other sandwiches, not just burgers, but sandwiches in general, I can think of perhaps one that is better. One. O'Reilly's deserves every point of their perfect patty score.
Score: 8/8
Sweet ambrosia. I long for thy touch on my lips.
However, on any pilgrim's first voyage to O'Reilly's, he (or she--I learned my lesson) should order the pepper burger. This is a half pound of love with peppercorns cooked right into the patty, with provolone cheese and bacon on top. The distinctly spicy, somewhat bitter taste of pepper compliments the savory cheese and bacon, not to mention the beef itself, creating a marvelous patty that crunches a bit with every bite. The combination of these three ingredients make for one of the best sandwiches I've ever eaten. As I think back to other sandwiches, not just burgers, but sandwiches in general, I can think of perhaps one that is better. One. O'Reilly's deserves every point of their perfect patty score.
Score: 8/8
Sweet ambrosia. I long for thy touch on my lips.Now, I won't add those points up just because it would be demeaning to assign a numeric value to such a thing of beauty. For this same reason, we won't be adding tilt points. It's like trying to give Scarlett Johansson a score out of ten. You just can't do it. (And maybe George Clooney for the ladies...? I really have no idea...)
I would probably just shoot myself before considering giving anything in that photograph a rating. Dear God...
I would probably just shoot myself before considering giving anything in that photograph a rating. Dear God...On the subject of non-burger food, O'Reilly's has a pretty extensive menu, all of which is pretty tasty. The fries are just as good as anything you would get from Five Guys, and the sweet potato fries are an excellent compliment to the pepper burger, especially with the sweet and spicy "crack sauce" they provide for dipping. On the subject of other sandwiches, the Italian sub is supposedly pretty amazing for an Irish pub.
Not very often are healthy alternatives this delectable.
Not very often are healthy alternatives this delectable.If you can tolerate some minor annoyances, such as slow service and sometimes loud patrons who all seem to know each other (although I think the latter is pretty funny) it would absolutely be worth it to stop by next time you're in the Olde Clintonville region, or even make a trip solely for the purpose of getting some grub.
Woah! A jukebox with CDs in it!
O'Reilly's is easily the best burger joint we have ate at so far, and is truly amazing when it comes to handling beef. Fresh toppings, good portions, deliciously innovative seasoning all work together to form a delicious sandwich. The Burger Busters are proud to name O'Reilly's our first...
O'Reilly's, we salute you. Your seat among the Gods is waiting.
On the back of the menu is an Irish song written for the patrons. A god is saying "thank you" to you.
Also: If you're reading this, why not take the time to follow us? It'll take only a second! And heck, maybe you can join us for some burger busting some time!
Woah! A jukebox with CDs in it!O'Reilly's is easily the best burger joint we have ate at so far, and is truly amazing when it comes to handling beef. Fresh toppings, good portions, deliciously innovative seasoning all work together to form a delicious sandwich. The Burger Busters are proud to name O'Reilly's our first...
BURGER GOD
O'Reilly's, we salute you. Your seat among the Gods is waiting.
On the back of the menu is an Irish song written for the patrons. A god is saying "thank you" to you.Also: If you're reading this, why not take the time to follow us? It'll take only a second! And heck, maybe you can join us for some burger busting some time!
